Hello friends!
Grab your snacks and fizzy beverages, because it’s time for hometown dates.
Susie gets to go first. She greets Clayton in Poquoson, Virginia, with the classic jump & hug, and she has some fun activities planned.
“Today we’re going to find out if Clayton likes being choked.”
Susie: Virginia is for Lovers?
They’re going to take a jiu-jitsu class together, and Clayton is game. “Can’t wait to get my ass kicked.” Hold on to that thought, Clayton, because The Women Tell All is airing next week.
One of the moves the instructor shows them is called “shrimping.” Susie thinks it’s hilarious; “We can’t make this up!” Clayton says, “I’ve had shrimp follow me throughout this entire journey. It’s ridiculous. It’s never going away, apparently.”
Susie has the advantage, as a former student, and she deftly maneuvers Clayton into a chokehold. Does he like being choked? “Turns out, he does.”
Afterward, they take a picnic basket to the pier. Susie talks about her father’s recent illness, and how much she wants him to walk her down the aisle someday. “I want him to meet my person. I want him to be there on that day.”
Meeting the Family
That evening Clayton meets her parents, Tom and Jean, along with her sister, Barbara, and her best friend, Lauren.
Susie has a chat with her father, and it’s clear they have a close, loving relationship. She checks in on his health, and tearfully tells him that he’s the gold standard she judges every man against. “I think that’s why I’ve been so tough on people in the past, in relationships.”
She believes Clayton is genuine, but “if he’s not, I know I won’t stand for it.”
Clayton and Tom have a conversation, and Tom says, “You seem like a really good guy. Susie would know if you were a bad guy or not, so I defer to her judgment. If Susie loves you, we’ll love you.”
Susie’s mother, Jean, cuts right to the chase: “Do you think you love Susie?”
Awkward!
“I have very, very strong feelings for Susie. And to fall in love, to me, is very sacred…I know that I will get there.” He also says, “I don’t want to fall in love with, like, four women; that doesn’t make sense.”
This version of Clayton might want to have a talk with future Clayton, because that guy loves everybody.
Gabby: Rocky Mountain High
Gabby’s from Denver, and she’s waiting for Clayton in the Rocky Mountains.
She greets him with the jump & hug, which is clearly written into the Bachelor rulebook. She’s excited for him to meet her parents, but she has a few conditions. “You have to cut down trees and fight bears to meet them.” Ooh, that could be fun! Can we get footage of that?
They change into hiking boots, and after having him practice scaring away a bear, she leads him to a picturesque spot where the words “Proposal Rock” have been painted on a tree trunk. “Proposal Rock was just a subtle hint. If he decided to propose there, like, I wouldn’t say no.”
I hate to break it to you, Gabby, but hiking to a spot labeled Proposal Rock is definitely not subtle. (Also, please don’t try to hike there. While the view is real, the Proposal Rock sign was a prop.)
Gabby has another surprise in store…a hot tub. In the wilderness. Why not?
Fun Fact: “I I bought an online hip-hop dance course during quarantine.”—Clayton (Us Weekly)
Grandpa John Steals the Show
Later on it’s time to meet the family. Her father couldn’t attend due to his girlfriend’s poor health, and she’s estranged from her mother, but her grandfather John, her aunt Julie, her uncle Rich, and her cousin Keira are all on hand to vet Clayton.
She can’t resist telling them about the first night she met Clayton, when she handed him a pillow with his likeness because, “ I just want to sit on your face.” Grandpa John roars with laughter, and it’s easy to see where Gabby gets her sense of humor.
Grandpa John has a private chat with Clayton, where he says Gabby “has always been a dingbat.” Thanks a lot, Gramps, I’m sure she’ll love watching that later.
He tells Clayton, “You’d better be good to her.” He advises him to not be in a hurry, so clearly he’s never seen the show. He also lobs this zinger: “So far, I like what I’ve seen. Of course, it’s early, so I may change my mind about you.”
When Gabby asks for his opinion of Clayton, Grandpa John jokingly says, “I think he’s full of shit.”
Grandpa John is the best!
There’s a sweet ending to the evening, when Gabby gets a surprise visit from her father. He holds up a series of cards, “Love Actually”-style, and she’s crying before he even displays them:
Hi, Gabby Girl. It’s me,
Dad.
You are the most beautiful, intelligent, loving and caring daughter.
Thank you for being the glue of our family.
You deserve the very best,
and I hope that’s Clayton.
Tell Clayton hello, and that I hope to meet him soon.
Gabby is overwhelmed by the gesture. “If there’s a word bigger than love, then I would use it.” Across America, hearts are melting for Gabby and her family.
I’m not crying at all, it’s probably just my allergies acting up, but I think Gabby should be elected homecoming queen, and prom queen, and head cheerleader, and prettiest princess, and queen of the ice capades, and maybe even president. At the very least, she needs her own podcast.
After her father leaves, Clayton and Gabby sit on the steps. She tells him, “I definitely feel like I’m falling in love with you.”
Serene: Oklahoma City
Serene greets Clayton with the jump & hug, of course, and a giant smooch.
Their date at Riversport Adventures involves walking across a set of steps suspended 80 feet above the ground, and Clayton is freaking out. He slowly manages to make it to the other side, where he hugs a pole with the intensity of a man who has just seen his life flash before his eyes. Actually, he’s probably picturing the angry mob that awaits him at The Women Tell All.
Serene, meanwhile, practically skips across.
That’s 1 point for Serene, and zero points for Clayton’s ego.
The torture’s not over yet. Next up: bungee jumping.
Serene says, “Much like falling in love, the first step is the hardest.”
The producers enjoy using the act of falling through the air as a metaphor for falling in love, so it’s rare for a season to pass without some sort of high-elevation hijinx.
It takes a while for Clayton to convince himself to jump, but he does, cursing life on the way down. Serene follows, and her jump is definitely more graceful.
Serene 2, Clayton 0.
Serene reminds Clayton she’s falling in love with him, and she fills him in on the family members he’ll be meeting later: Her mother, Sherri; her brother, Roland; and her best friend, Melanie. Her parents are divorced, and her father won’t be there. “I think they’re gonna love you.”
Serene’s Family
Roland pulls Clayton aside for a “big brother” chat. He can tell Serene sees something special in Clayton, and he’s worried she’ll get hurt. He tells Clayton “Please, be really careful. [She’s] really fragile.”
Then he fires a direct shot: “Do you love her?”
Clayton’s response: “To tell you the truth, I haven’t told anybody that I’m in love with them. I’m not there yet.”
Roland shares his concerns with Serene as well, as he wipes away tears. “I have seen you hurt in a lot of ways. Been up on the phone with you, with you crying till 3:00 in the morning. I don’t want you to feel that anymore. I’ve seen you trust people before. Are you comfortable he’s not going to break your trust?”
She acknowledges that it gets scarier as deeper feelings develop. “Yeah, it could be, like, what if I fall? But to me, it’s like, what if I fly?”
Okay, Roland gets the Big Brother of the Year award, Serene should be crowned Ultimate Fearless Female (#goals), and I think I need another box of tissues.
After saying goodbye to her family, Serene tells Clayton she’s not falling anymore—she’s in love.
“I don’t, like, want to freak you out at all, but I can say that after today like, I am not like falling in love with you, like, I’m in love with you.”
Like, either she’s like, really nervous, like, you know, or the ladies of The Bachelor get paid $5 every time they say “like.” It’s like, annoying. Like, yeah.
Clayton responds with his standard goofy grin; he is loving this. He’s collecting hearts the way Serene used to collect fireflies, and we know how it ended for the fireflies: #grislydeath.
Rachel: Clermont, Florida
The last hometown date is Rachel’s, and guess how she greets him? If you said “jump & hug,” then ding ding ding, we have a winner! Actually, she starts by offering to catch him, which looks as strange and hilarious as it sounds, before doing the traditional J&H.
Can we start a petition to outlaw this move, and replace it with something else? Maybe a double air kiss, a la française? Perhaps rubbing noses, like the Inuit? How about a nice round of thumb wrestling?
Side note: The Inuit don’t really rub noses, it’s more like they sniff their beloved, and the World Thumb Wrestling Championships are an actual event.
Moving on.
They go kayaking at King’s Landing, and Rachel warns him that there may be alligators, and snakes, and bears, oh my!
It’s eerily silent as they paddle along, with just the chittering of a few birds. We get some alligator footage, and I’m thinking an alligator attack might actually result in “the most dramatic season ever.”
No time to worry about gators, though, as Rachel points out an enormous spider on the riverbank. Clayton says, “Holy hell, get me outta here!” Then, “Just for the record, though, I totally handled that reaction like a man, right?”
They survive their close encounter with nature, and even find time to kiss at the Kissing Tree, before jumping in for a swim. Clayton notes, “We can’t keep our hands off each other.”
That’s nice, Clayton, but does anybody know where that spider went?
They discuss meeting her family. Rachel’s parents, Mary and Tony, will be there, plus her best friends Sam and Nate. Rachel wants the evening to go well, because she’s falling in love with Clayton.
Rachel’s father has never liked anyone she’s brought home, so this should be interesting.
The Interrogation
Rachel chats with Nate, while Sam chats with Clayton. Sam doesn’t want to see Rachel get her heart broken, “because I don’t wanna deal with it.” Way to make it about you, Sam!
Then it’s time for Clayton to sit down with Tony.
Tony is every overprotective father times ten. He offered to beat up Rachel’s last boyfriend, so Clayton should definitely proceed with caution.
Tony starts off asking, “Do you know her dreams?” Clayton knows Rachel wants to be a pilot, but so does anyone who’s watched the show for more than five minutes.
Then they discuss the other three women in this equation. Clayton says, “The thing about it is, I will hurt somebody…and it makes me sick.” He claims dating 30 women is not fun, but I think his lips would disagree.
Tony asks, “If Rachel isn’t the one, what are you going to do to not hurt her?”
Clayton says he has no intention of hurting Rachel. “I know that I see a future with her…I’ve dreamt about, like, getting down on a knee, proposing to her.”
Tony says he can’t give his blessing until he talks to his daughter. “Right now, you’re just another face.” It’s an odd statement, but it probably reflects Tony’s inner desire to punch Clayton square in the kisser.
Side note: Colin Jost’s “A Very Punchable Face: A Memoir,” may be one of the best book titles ever.
The final outcome? Tony tells Rachel that if she wants Clayton, “I’m all for it,” and Clayton leaves with his jawline intact.
Two things:
Rachel is clearly the frontrunner.
If Tony gets a ticket to After the Final Rose, I hope they beef up security.
The Rose Ceremony (#8)
Clayton knows he’ll have to break three hearts to find his person, and it’s time to get started. He meets with Jesse first, and confesses he has feelings for all four women.
Everybody’s nervous. Susie isn’t sure where she stands, Gabby has never been more vulnerable, and Serene will be “absolutely shattered” if she’s sent home. The only one who seems confident is Rachel, who enters with a giant smile on her face.
Roses go to Susie, Gabby, and Rachel.
Serene is stoic, and she accepts Clayton’s decision with grace. My heart breaks for her, but I’m also relieved that she’s leaving before things go sideways.
She’s on the last boat leaving the Titanic, and she has no idea how lucky she is.
Previews and Predictions
Jesse’s voiceover promises: “This is the most shocking and emotional ending ever.”
We know, Jesse, we know.
Every preview from the beginning has shown us a giant trainwreck-dumpster fire- hot mess of an ending. Is there any chance Clayton can turn things around and deliver a happily-ever-after finale?
Not likely.
Check out this tweet from Bachelor creator Mike Fleiss:
It looks like Clayton may be closing his season without a proposal, or even a viable relationship. Several bachelors have chosen not to propose (including host Jesse Palmer, in season 5), so that part’s hardly “historic.” However, most left with the promise of love and somebody to date on national holidays, except for Brad Womack in season 11, who rejected everyone.
The Wisdom of Gabby
As a final palate cleanser, the show ends with some additional footage of Gabby and Clayton’s hike. As they put on their boots, she compliments him on being well-groomed, but suggests he shave his toes. He counters that “real men have hair.” Her response: “You like to have furry feet like a hobbit?”
Best line of the season, and that’s why we love Gabby.
That’s it for this episode. Next week will be a two-fer on Monday and Tuesday with the last two episodes, so brace yourselves for four hours of Bachelor insanity. I’m already stocked up on snacks and fizzies.
P.S. If you’re not completely burned out on romance TV, NBC has a new reality show debuting on Sunday, March 6. The Courtship is a Bridgerton-inspired “social experiment,” complete with period attire and a castle. Check out the trailer here, and my recap of Episode 1 here.
Need to catch up? Here’s the episode list:
| Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 |
| Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Free Bingo Cards! |
Cheers!