The Bachelor Episode 7
Cinderella, fireflies, Vienna, and the Final Four...oh my!
Hello friends! Are you ready for more Bachelor madness?
Need to catch up first? Here’s the episode list:
| Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 |
| Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Free Bingo Cards! |
Get your free Bachelor Bingo Cards and your fizzy beverages, and let’s dive right in.
Sarah vs. Mara Marinara
Sarah returns from her one-on-one date, and asks which one of the women threw her under the bus. Mara admits she shared some concerns with Clayton, but she’s just looking out for him.
Sarah tells a producer, “[Mara] spun herself a web, and the only thing she’s getting out of is Croatia, tomorrow, in the middle seat, through the Jersey turnpike, with some cheap wine.”
I think someone needs to give Sarah a map, and a lesson on how transatlantic travel works.
Fun Fact: “I once ate a piece of dog poop because I thought it was chocolate. I was 6. It was obviously disgusting.”—Clayton (Us Magazine)
Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony #6
Eliza hopes last night’s drama is done; of course this means it clearly isn’t.
Clayton pulls Serene first, as he has something special planned. During their one-on-one date in episode 5 she told him about losing her cousin, and their childhood ritual involving fireflies. He presents two jars filled with tiny lights meant to represent fireflies, and she’s charmed. “What you’ve done here is really special, and I honestly don’t think anybody’s ever done anything like this for me.” Smooch!
Susie’s next, then Teddi, and then Rachel, with smooches for everyone. Side note: Rachel’s sparkly red evening gown is gorgeous! Why isn’t there a shopping component to this show?
“Thou roguish beef-witted dewberry!”—Shakespeare
All’s going well, until Mara and Sarah head outside to continue sniping at each other. The other women run to the window to watch, as if they’re expecting a WWF-style smackdown.
Mara accuses Sarah of “tyrannal cockiness,” whatever that is, and advises her “It would behoove you to take a little step back in your comments.”
I almost expect Mara to pull out a thesaurus and begin madly thumbing through it for more insults. This reminds me of the Shakespearean Insultor and the Shakespearean Insults Generator, two websites full of the bard’s best work. Let’s enjoy a few 16th-century zingers while the ladies rampage:
You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!
Thou artless idle-headed skainsmate!
Thou fobbing rump-fed wagtail!
Thou crusty puke-stockinged strumpet!
Thou rascally crook-pated writhled shrimp!
Thou roguish lily-livered puttock!
Thou mammering rude-growing scurvy-knave!
“Rude-growing scurvy-knave” may be my favorite. Feel free to use some of these at your next boring staff meeting.
Where’s Clayton?
As usual, Clayton is nowhere to be found while this drama unfolds. I imagine he’s huddled in a closet with Jesse Palmer, snacking on Croatian delicacies and watching an episode of America’s Got Talent, because all this conflict is tiresome.
The Rose Ceremony
Jesse appears, to announce the ceremony is about to begin. Serene says, “From this point out, like, everything is going to be, like, shocking.”
Like, I totally agree Serene!
Sarah, Teddi, and Rachel already have roses. Clayton gives roses to Susie, Serene, Gabby, and Genevieve. That leaves Eliza and Mara rose-less, and their adventure is over.
Eliza exits gracefully; hopefully we’ll see her on Bachelor in Paradise. Mara flounces off in a stunning black dress, insisting she’ll find her person. Instead of walking her out and having a discussion, Clayton simply watches her leave from the safety of the steps.
Pack your bags, ladies, because you’re moving on to Austria.
Vienna, Austria
The final seven contestants are thrilled to be in Vienna, and their first stop is a beer garden. (Eagle-eyed viewers may notice that one of their fellow revelers is Twitter pundit Barstool Trent.)
They’re staying at the Intercontinental, and we get the requisite shots of them gushing over their beautiful new digs and jumping on beds. Whee!!
A date card arrives for Susie: “Falling in love with you feels like a fairytale.”
Everyone’s happy about Susie getting her second one-on-one, except for Genevieve. She’s never received a one-on-one date, and this does not bode well for her chances. The pressure’s on to get a rose and one of the four coveted hometown dates, and poor Genevieve probably shouldn’t bother to unpack.
Susie’s One-on-One: The “Pretty Woman” Date
Clayton escorts Susie to a vintage car, and it’s suddenly clear that this isn’t just any date, this is the “Pretty Woman” date. This date is reserved for serious contenders, and the lucky lady walks away with some fabulous outfits, and often the bachelor’s heart as well.
They begin shopping, with Clayton telling Susie to try on “anything that catches your eye.” We get a great montage of her in several dresses, and their next destination is billed as a “once-in-a-lifetime thing.” They visit the private gallery of designer Eva Poleschinski, and “gorgeous” doesn’t even begin to describe the dresses.
Susie models several of the gowns, they drink champagne, and then Susie heads back to the hotel with an alarming number of bags. I hope they gave her an extra suitcase too, because there’s no way she’s getting all of this home without one.
The other women are awestruck as Susie shows them her haul: dresses, shoes—”are those Louboutins?” Yes, they are. That’s not all, though. Someone from the gallery arrives with her outfit for the evening: a stunning, red poofball of a dress that practically demands a carriage and footmen.
Susie puts on the dress, and she’s Belle, and Cinderella, and every Disney princess that ever existed, and she floats off for the evening portion of her date.
It’s a good thing spontaneous combustion isn’t real, because Genevieve looks like she’s on the verge.
Susie’s Princess Date
Clayton is waiting for Susie at Schönbrunn Palace, to continue their fairytale date. Thankfully they didn’t have to ride together, because he would have been buried in fabric.
They have drinks, and Clayton compliments Susie on her humility. She comments on how foreign the day was. “It’s so different from who I am, because I don’t treat myself like that, and I don’t let anybody treat me like that. Like, no man has ever wanted to do something like that for me.”
What, you mean no man has ever wanted to spend thousands and thousands of dollars on you for a single date, before whisking you off to a palace that used to house Austrian royalty? Shocking. Happens to me every other Tuesday.
Clayton offers her a rose—woot! She’s getting a hometown date!
Clayton has one more surprise: A private concert, with Chris de Burgh performing “Lady in Red.” They kiss-dance their way through the song, and it’s all perfectly lovely.
Back at the hotel, a group date card arrives for Sarah, Genevieve, Teddi, Rachel, and Gabby. “How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved.”—Sigmund Freud.
This means Serene gets the last one-on-one date, and some serious head-shrinking is about to commence.
Fun Fact: “Before I went on The Bachelorette, I wore unfitted dad jeans. Now, I wear tailored pants and fitted jeans. This is a big deal for me.”—Clayton (US Magazine)
Let’s Get Freudian
The group date begins, and Teddi hopes it won’t be a huge therapy session.
Guess what? It’s a huge therapy session!
Sigmund Freud is from Vienna, and the show loves mind games, so we should have expected this.
They meet with psychoanalyst Katherine Rippensburg, for couples therapy. Everyone is vulnerable and open, but Genevieve struggles with expressing her emotions. Clayton concludes that Genevieve isn’t able to let down her walls, and time has run out, so he sends her home.
The therapy sessions continue.
At the end, Katherine praises the women for their vulnerability, but she says not everyone was honest. She doesn’t name names, but a cloud of suspicion falls over Sarah.
Clayton wants to know who’s putting on an act, so he starts asking questions. The other women spill the tea about Sarah.
She tearfully defends herself, but Clayton doesn’t believe she’s being genuine. He walks her out, and now the group has been reduced to five.
Clayton decides not to award the group date rose to anyone; he wants to make the right decisions about hometowns.
Oh no! With Sarah gone, all we have is five women dating the same man. Where, oh where, will we find a new source of conflict?
Serene’s One-on-One Date
Serene and Clayton take a romantic carriage ride through downtown Vienna. Then they hit the streets, sampling warm chestnuts from a vendor, and dancing to accordion music.
The evening portion of their date takes place at Belvedere Palace, a complex of historic buildings with gardens, a stable, and a museum.
She tells him she’s falling in love, and he rewards her with a kiss and a rose. Woot! There goes another hometown date!
Rose Ceremony #7
Susie and Serene already have roses, so only two remain. Will it be Gabby, Teddi, or Rachel going home?
Clayton gives a rose to Rachel, and the final rose goes to…Gabby.
That means Teddi, who received the first impression rose and has the best curly hair ever, has come to the end of her journey.
Farewell, Teddi, I’m sure you’ll find someone who appreciates you. Considering the continual reminders we get from the previews, it looks like you dodged a bullet.
Then There Were Four…
While many of us had predicted that Teddi would make the final four rather than Gabby, the selection of Susie, Rachel, and Serene was a sure bet.
Now we just have to figure out who the final three will be, and how Clayton will justify doling out “I love yous” as if they were Tic Tacs.
In the preview below, Clayton’s father sums up the situation perfectly: “They have a right to be upset. You’ve put yourself in this situation. You screwed the pooch, in my opinion.” Papa Clayton, you speak the truth.
All the previews end with Clayton’s howl of pain: “I wish I never would have fallen in love. I’m so broken!”
How will they salvage this trainwreck of an ending? Tune in next week, dear reader, and we’ll suffer through it together!