Hello friends!
Quick Recap: Genevieve and Shanae Schrampy McDastardly are at Niagara Falls for their two-on-one date with Clayton, and Bachelor Nation is holding its breath and hoping Her Shrimpness is finally going home.
Need to catch up? Here’s the episode list:
| Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 |
| Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Free Bingo Cards! |
Folly at the Falls: The Two-on-One Date
The date card said: “Into the falls, your journey goes. Only one comes out with a rose.” It’s all very Game of Thrones, and I hope no actual weapons are involved.
Genevieve and Clayton head off for their private chat, and she’s immediately in tears. She shares that it’s hard to be vulnerable, but she will do her very best, and he should feel free to come to her with any questions. He tells her, “That means a lot,” and immediately segues to his favorite activity, smooching. Apparently the only question clanking around in Clayton’s brain is, “Did I pack enough lip balm?”
Fun Facts: Clayton’s rap name is Claydoe, and his biggest fear is being trapped in a small space.
McDastardly gets her turn, and spends her time claiming Genevieve can’t be trusted. She tells Clayton that Genevieve actually wants to go home, that she’s fake and giving off “an actress vibe.” Then she turns on the tears, talking about how she’s 29 and never been in love.
In her defense, it is hard to find true love when your main activities are gloating and decimating the shrimp population.
Clayton tells her, “I do like you,” and he believes the past is in the past. They share a long kiss, while Genevieve waits patiently with a glass of champagne.
Oh, no. This is not good. Clayton appears to be sinking into the Schrampsand once again, and my blood pressure is spiking and my left eye is twitching. According to Bachelor Data, most villains exit in the sixth episode, but a few hang on past that point.
Please let six be the magic number…
After a commercial break, we return to find both women silently sharing a bench but there’s no sign of Clayton. He’s probably off with the producers, staring at the latest ratings and debating the best course of action, or he might just be icing down his lips.
He returns and sits between them; it’s time to bestow a rose and send someone packing. Please oh please oh please…
Clayton finally has a question for Genevieve: “Are you an actress, and are you lying to me?”
“Why? Why did I choose to recap The Bachelor? Whyyyyyyyyyyy??”
She’s blindsided, and says she’s been honest with him. She wants to know why he’s asking her that question. He stammers, while Schrampy smirks. He finally manages, “I don’t even know what to say. I just need to step away.”
Where is he going? Maybe he’s hungry, and he needs a burrito. Thanks to US Magazine’s 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me feature, the world knows he loves Chipotle. We also know his rap name is Claydoe, and his biggest fear is being trapped in a small space.
I would argue that his actual biggest fear is being trapped between two women who expect him to speak in full sentences and make his own decisions.
Clayton takes the rose and wanders a few feet away. He turns his back to the women and stares out into the distance, pondering deep Clayton thoughts. Is there any way I can end this and just get back to kissing someone? Am I allowed to phone a friend? Is there a Chipotle in the area?
His absence is an obvious ploy to get the women to argue with each other, and they do not disappoint. I’d love to tell you what they said, but I was too busy banging my head against the wall and wailing, “Why? Why did I choose to recap The Bachelor? Whyyyyyyyyyyy??”
Clayton returns, and announces that the rose is going to “somebody who helped me see the truth in all of this.” He turns toward the Schrampster, and my heart sinks.
But then he says, “Shanae…I’m so sorry, but I cannot find it in my heart to give you this rose. So Genevieve, will you accept this rose?”
Clayton and Genevieve kiss, and then walk away together into a sunny Canadian afternoon.
Oh happiness, oh joy!
I’m dancing in my living room, and spilling my fizzy beverage in a fit of delirious bliss. At last!!
Back at the hotel, the other women are equally delighted when a producer arrives to get Shanae’s suitcase. They cheer and applaud, and start guzzling champagne.
Hunter says, “Ding dong, the shrimp is dead!”
Meanwhile, Shanae is reeling. She’s spewing profanities and swearing she never wants to see Clayton again. I’m worried about the safety of Clayton, Genevieve, and any small woodland creatures living nearby.
Fun Fact: “I believe pizza should not be eaten without ranch.”—Clayton (US Magazine)
Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony #5
The women are excited to start a new, drama-free chapter, and Mara foresees nothing but “happy women waiting for their time with a great man. It’s only going to get better from here.”
Of course, this means things will definitely take a turn for the worse.
At the party, we see Clayton spending time with Sarah, Rachel, Hunter, Teddi, Eliza, and Susie, and there’s a LOT of kissing, naturally. I wonder if ABC carries insurance on his lips, because they’re a crucial part of the show.
Fun Fact: “I once swallowed a quarter trying to clean it for my collection, so now I’m worth at least 25 cents.”—Clayton (US Magazine)
Mara brings Clayton some poutine and is busy hand-feeding him bites when Serene interrupts them. Mara has a mini-meltdown, complete with tears: “Was that a total of three whole minutes? Are you kidding me?” Sadly, her prediction of “happy women waiting for their time” didn’t even last the night.
If I were Mara, I’d have taken the poutine with me.
The Rose Ceremony
Clayton begins handing out roses. His final rose goes to Mara (although, did he just call her Mira?), so Hunter and Marlena must bid Clayton farewell.
We’re down to 9 women now, and Clayton announces that it’s time to leave Canada and cross the Atlantic. Their next destination: Croatia.
Hvar, Croatia
The women check into their new hotel, the Amfora: Hvar Grand Beach Resort, and then it’s time to check out the town. They’re having drinks when Clayton arrives and whisks Teddi away for a one-on-one date.
Mara’s resentful because she feels she deserves a one-on-one more than some of the other girls, who are clearly just “girlfriend material.” As if on cue, a storm springs up, and it’s the perfect backdrop for the emergence of a new drama queen.
Teddi’s One-on-One Date
Clayton and Teddi spend time exploring Hvar. They browse the open-air market, eat ice cream cones, and wander down alleyways. It’s all very charming and romantic, especially because they have to share an umbrella.
At dinner that evening, Teddi tells Clayton she’s never been intimate with anyone before. She’s not waiting for marriage, but she is waiting to fall in love.
Side note: Teddi uses the word “like” a lot. Like, a LOT. Like, she really, really, likes the word like. Like, you know? She also plays with her hair quite a bit, so I imagine she must be really nervous about having this conversation.
She explains that her mother gave birth at a young age, and she didn’t want Teddi to have the same experience. Clayton listens attentively, and reassures her it’s more about their emotional connection. (He also uses “like” liberally. Like, really guys. Like, knock it off already!)
She’s never been in love, but her impression of love involves feeling safe and protected, and being able to trust the other person. She trusts Clayton, and she’s allowing herself to fall for him.
Clayton says he wants her to feel physically safe, and emotionally safe. “That’s what I want to be able to provide, amongst many other things. So, sharing what you did tonight, it isn’t a concern, and I was just really thankful that you were so open.” He offers her a rose, and she accepts.
Oh, dear. All this talk of trust and safety is unsettling, because loyal viewers have already seen clips of the final episodes, and betrayal looms large on the horizon.
Back at the hotel, a group date card arrives for Serene, Rachel, Susie, Gabby, Eliza, Genevieve, and Mara. “It’s an honor to fall in love with you.”
Ruh roh, Shaggy! This means Sarah’s getting the one-on-one date that Mara’s been pining for. To make matters worse, it’s Sarah’s second time at bat. Mara pretends to be supportive, but privately she’s livid. Did a giant bullseye just appear on Sarah’s back?
The Group Date
Because the show loves nothing more than pitting women against each other, the group date has them dressing as knights and facing off on the battlefield.
Afterward, it’s time for a “feast” of pig livers, cow stomachs, pig brains, and fish heads. When he reaches the fish heads, their host says, “You will eat just the eyes, for virility, and because they taste good, of course.”
Holy entrails! When did The Bachelor turn into Fear Factor?
The final test is the knight’s creed. The women are instructed to kneel, and tell Clayton their deepest feelings, what the journey means to them, and what they’re fighting for.
Oddly enough, no one admits to fighting for Instagram followers.
Serene won the food challenge, so Mara decides to step up her game with poetry:
I ate the food, and I drank the ale.
If we go to battle, I will impale.For a happy life, you must pick the best wife.
If you pick the right one, your search will be done.I know you’re ready to get down on one knee,
and these other peasants got nothing on me.I cook, I clean, and I’m great in bed.
Come on, Clayton, use your head.
It isn’t Shakespeare, but Mara’s certain she’ll win.
Her hopes are dashed, however, when Serene is declared “a true knight,” and rewarded with a red cape and a smooch session with Clayton.
The Afterparty
Clayton leads the group into Adriana, a spa boutique hotel.
He wants to have deeper discussions, as hometowns are coming soon. He pulls Rachel, to ask if they’re on the same page. She tells him, “I am falling for you so hard.” She says she would love to introduce him to her family, and they share a lingering kiss.
The producers give us a montage of Clayton with the other women, while Mara blathers on about how ready she is to be a wife and mother.
When she gets time with Clayton, she complains about not receiving a one-on-one. She claims the other women are not ready for marriage, especially Sarah. Clayton vows to do his due diligence, which so far mainly consists of tonsil inspections. He hasn’t even asked the all-important question, “Can you spend the rest of your life with a man who dips his pizza in ranch dressing?”
The group date rose goes to “someone who really opened up my eyes tonight, and really has left their mark on me.” To Mara’s disappointment, Rachel gets the rose and more kisses.
The Plot Thickens
Clayton returns to his hotel room. We hear sinister music, and a knock at the door. A note is pushed underneath. Clayton opens the door but sees no one. The only Olympian in the group, Marlena, has already been eliminated, so I call shenanigans.
The unsigned note says, “Clayton, meet me at the clock tower.”
Holy Hardy Boys! Who left the note, and what is this all about?
Could it be Shanae, dripping in seaweed and covered in shrimp shells, coming back to exact her revenge?
Clayton bravely sets off in the darkness, to meet the person behind all the mystery.
A figure in white steps forward from the shadows. It’s…
Susie!
She simply wanted time with him, so she doesn’t fall behind the others. Clayton is incredibly relieved, and probably thrilled at the prospect of more kissyface.
She leads him to the top of the clock tower. She tells him she’s been putting up walls lately, watching his relationships progress with other women. Even though she’s worried she’ll get hurt, she has to be vulnerable. “I do feel as though I’m falling in love with you.” Clayton responds with a big, goofy grin, and of course, many kisses.
He tells a producer, “This might be the happiest I’ve been since I’ve been on this journey…I could see myself falling in love with Susie.”
Your problem won’t be falling in love, Clayton. Your problem will be picking just one woman.
Sarah’s Second One-on-One Date
The timing of this is a little confusing. One-on-one dates always follow the same format: A daytime activity, followed by an evening dinner date.
We assume we’ll get a daytime date, but we don’t. Instead it’s an evening date, or they’ve simply edited out the daytime portion. I’m so confused!
So is Clayton, because he meets with Jesse first. He wants to discuss his concerns about falling in love with someone who isn’t ready for commitment. Jesse tells him to trust his heart.
Clayton and Sarah meet. He asks if she can see herself getting engaged, as someone in the group says she’s not ready. She’s shocked, and says “I really could see a future with you.” She’s tearful, and promises she’s been honest with him. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t ready for that.”
He thanks her for being so vulnerable, and apologizes for upsetting her. He’s confused and scared of losing everything, and he needs to step away to think things through.
He excuses himself. (I imagine he’s huddling with a producer: “Can we get Chipotle in Croatia?”)
Sarah wipes her tears on a napkin, and says she’s done. She walks away, and we see her ask a producer, “Who said that?”
After many tears she goes back to the table, and Clayton returns as well. He says giving her a second date “may have put a target on your back.” He believes she’s sincere, and he offers her a rose.
The feud between Sarah and Mara is definitely on, but we’ll have to wait for next week to learn more. We get To Be Continued on our screens, and the preview teaser with clips from upcoming episodes.
Prediction Time
This is where we should discuss editing, and misdirection. Reality shows are notorious for misleading viewers in an attempt to create drama or protect the ending, and The Bachelor is no exception.
In last week’s teaser, they showed Clayton appearing to profess his love to Gabby, Susie, and Teddi. They never show Clayton and the women in the same shot; he says “I love you,” and then they cut to a reaction shot. In this teaser, Teddi’s reaction shot was taken from her one-on-one date, which definitely did not include a declaration of love. The teaser also suggests that Gabby has somehow betrayed Clayton.
This week’s teaser (above), covers a lot of the same ground but is edited differently. Only time will tell, but I believe the final three will be Susie, Rachel, and Teddi, and the “betrayal,” will come from Teddi.
I’m not the only one to draw this conclusion. Jimmy Kimmel’s wife, Molly, has correctly predicted the winner for the last 7 out of 9 seasons, and her final four are Susie, Rachel, Teddi, and Serene, in that order.
That’s all for now, dear readers.
Come back next week, for more Bachelor madness!