The Bachelor Episode 2

Hilary Duff + Never Have I Ever + Obstacle Courses + Betrayal!

Episode Two is here!

We’re down to 22 girls, and the dating begins in earnest.

The preview clip lets us know we’re in for a wild ride, with plenty of crying, accusations, and possibly the first rose repossession in Bachelor history. Let’s dig in!

The combatants contestants move into the mansion, and they are in high spirits. Jesse introduces himself, and reminds the ladies he was once the bachelor in 2004. He does not remind them that he gave the winner a plane ticket instead of a proposal, and their relationship crashed and burned a few months later. Why bring down the mood? Instead, he presents the first date card.

It’s a group date involving Teddi, Ency, Melina, Gabby, Kira, Mara, Sierra Genevieve, Serene, and Cassidy. The card promises, “This is what dreams are made of.”

The First Group Date

Cut to Beverly Hills. Clayton escorts the group into a mansion, as they picture wine, macaroons and an afternoon of luxury. “Wait…are those children?” (Cue the record scratch!)

There are indeed several children in the backyard , jumping up and down in a bounce house. The children run toward them and go screaming past, as the date’s special guest appears: Hilary Duff.

Cassidy is beyond excited. “You’re the first concert I ever went to in my whole life. I had a sign with your face on it!” She’s fanning her face with her hands, and I’m worried she might need a sedative to make it through the afternoon.

Cassidy tells the camera, “I don’t care what anyone says, but screw the kids!”

Hilary informs the group that little Maya is having a birthday today, and their job is to throw her the birthday party of her dreams.

The women all get busy with their assigned party tasks, except for “screw the kids” Cassidy, who’s supposed to be helping Gabby build a dollhouse. Instead she’s lounging under an umbrella, probably wondering if Clayton would be willing to send their potential offspring to boarding school. She isn’t worried about disappointing Hilary or the other girls; “ultimately I’m here to date Clayton.”

She pulls him aside for a chat and a smooch session by the pool. Her absence is noted but complaints will have to wait; here come the kids! There are games and water balloons and more bounce sessions—whee!

Most of the women are giving it their all and having a great time with the kids. Cassidy, meanwhile, is doubling down on her anti-kids stance. “I spend as little time around you small people as possible, so forgive me,” she tells one group. If she had a mustache, now would be the time to start twirling it. “Kids, see, ‘cause it’s like this, you know, I screw up, and I say things.”

“You don’t like kids?” one of them asks. Cassidy throws up her hands in defense. “Look how you’re coming for me!” It’s not exactly The Hunger Games, but Cassidy retreats and chats up Hilary, her idol.

During the chat she commits the first grammar infraction of the season: “I feel really good about me and Clayton’s connection.” My blood pressure spikes and my left eye starts twitching, but I soothe myself with some chocolate and continue watching Cassidy channel Miss Trunchbull from Matilda.

Never mind, it’s time for cake! Genevieve made the cake, but for some reason Cassidy presents it. Oh no! She drops the cake on the lawn! Not THE CAKE, Cassidy! Have you no soul?

The producers are pushing for maximum villainy here, and Cassidy is happy to oblige. She skips away to wash the frosting off her skin, or possibly club some baby seals. Clayton, who may have lost several IQ points in the bounce house, follows her eagerly. There’s more smooching, and the other women are thoroughly disgusted.

Cut to commercial. We get a sneak peek of Hilary’s new show, “How I Met Your Father,” premiering January 18th on Hulu. Holy cross-promotion, Batman! I don’t mind at all, because Hilary’s delightful and we need more rom-commy goodness in the world.

We’re back. The birthday party is over, and we’ve moved on to the evening portion of the date. The ladies parade into Big Daddy’s Antiques, a location probably chosen for its comfy couches. They’re still salty about Cassidy’s bad behavior, but hopeful they’ll get time with Clayton.

Clayton pulls aside Serene, the elementary school teacher, and they enjoy their first kiss. Serene wants the group date rose, and she’s not alone. The ladies are eyeing it like it’s the last Gucci bag at a sample sale, but Cassidy’s certain it’s hers. Kira, aka Dr. Lingerie, calls Cassidy out on her lack of participation.

Cassidy’s response is, “I’m not here to decorate a birthday party. I’m here to date Clayton.” I’m disappointed, because I’m so close to crossing “I’m not here to make friends,” off my Bachelor Bingo card, and Cassidy refuses to cooperate.

The rest of the women share their concerns, but Cassidy is unmoved. “Game on, bitches.”

Meanwhile, Teddi, recipient of the first impression rose, is telling Clayton how emotional she gets when she sees him with other women, and she needs validation. She may also need a clock, because she got that rose less than 24 hours ago. How much validation does she need? He tells her she’s got nothing to be concerned about, and there’s more kissyface.

Sierra and Gabby get their time, and Genevieve gets to decorate a cake with Clayton. She’s probably trying to work through the trauma of seeing her first cake get smashed into the ground.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, the coveted one-on-one date card has arrived, and the women can barely breathe. “Susie, let’s take our love to new heights.” Susie, the wedding videographer, jiu jitsu queen, and beauty pageant contestant, is thrilled.

Back to the group date. Cassidy hogs even more of Clayton’s time, and then, joy of joys, somebody says, “She doesn’t seem like she’s here for the right reasons.” I do a little dance, because I can FINALLY cross something off my bingo card. Thank you!!

Clayton, who definitely sustained some sort of brain injury in the bounce house, is praising Cassidy for her antisocial behavior. “You’re making every effort [to spend time with me] and I love it.” There’s even more kissyface, and then later, as the other women watch in horror, he gives her the group date rose. Read the room, Clayton! The rest of these ladies want to boil her alive and make wind chimes out of her bones, but you do you.

Captain Oblivious takes off to get some rest, as I’m sure his lips must be exhausted. Cassidy gloats to a producer that her rose smells “like victory,” while Genevieve comforts a tearful Mara, whose emotions have reached a breaking point.

The next morning Cassidy is still boasting about her rose, this time to Shanae. I originally pegged Shanae as the villain, but it looks like I was wrong. Cassidy is bound to sprout devil horns and a tail any minute now.

The First One-on-One Date

Susie and Clayton take off on their one-on-one date. It starts with a helicopter ride, and Susie is literally bouncing with anticipation. They buzz the mansion first, to fan the flames of jealousy in the house even higher, before cruising along the coastline. As Clayton wonders whether he’ll ever be able to top this date, the helicopter lands on a yacht. No, Clayton, you’re never topping this. Maybe that’s why so many of these relationships fail. After you’ve had the ’copter-to-yacht experience, dinner and a movie just won’t cut it.

They drink champagne, they soak in the yacht’s hot tub, and there’s kissing. Then they do the obligatory dive off the top of the yacht into the ocean, as the sun sets. Just your average date.

But wait, there’s more! Time for dinner, at the Hudson Loft. I’ve heard Bachelor contestants rarely eat on dinner dates, so I hope they snagged some In-N-Out burgers on the drive over. They discuss the longevity of their parents’ marriages and the importance of family, and then they enjoy a private concert. Amanda Jordan serenades them with “I Choose You,” while they share a dance. Again, just your average date.

Across America, women are ripping up their two-for-one Applebee’s coupons and slapping their poor, confused husbands.

Clayton offers Susie a rose while ripping off Cyndi Lauper, telling her, “Your true colors are so beautiful.” She accepts, and she’s clearly smitten. “I could like, totally see myself falling in love with him.”

Back at the mansion, Shanae and Cassidy are still discussing strategy, and Shanae is “on fire” to get the next group date rose. I’m surprised they don’t have little voodoo dolls of the other contestants.

The next date card arrives. Marlena, Elizabeth, Kate, Sarah, Lyndsey W., Rachel, Tessa, and…long pause…Shanae are invited. “I don’t want anything to stand in the way of our love…”

The camera pans to Jill, who looks like she just swallowed a lemon. She hasn’t been on a date yet, and clearly she’s worried. “It’s not in the cards for me.” During her sit-down with a producer she’s emotional. “I left my friends, left my family…my cat.” Yes, the sacrifices required are unimaginable, and we’re only about 3 days in. Let’s hope she and Fluffy are reunited soon.

Shanae, on the other hand, is full of confidence and referring to herself in the third person. “Let’s go. Shanae ain’t quitting. He’s gonna like me. And he’s gonna remember me, and then maybe I get a one-on-one. Shanae-Nae has arrived. And she’s here. And she’s staying here.” Why am I picturing Kathy Bates in Misery?

The Second Group Date

There’s a commercial break, and then it’s time for the group date. The women run toward Clayton with Shanae in the lead, and she gets the second Jump & Hug of the season. It’s a classic Bachelor Nation move, and it’s probably why the male leads need to be so fit.

Clayton has invited another special guest; this one will help determine if they are there for the “right reasons.”

Too bad I can’t mark my bingo card twice. From now on, I’m taking a drink whenever the magic phrase is uttered.

He leads them into a barn where comedian Ziwe Fumudoh is waiting. She’s there to question them about relationship red flags, including kittenfishing, “like catfishing but it’s adorable,” and zombieing, “an ex that is lurking your social media feeds,” and breadcrumbing, which is “sending a flirty text to someone you’re no longer interested in dating.”

Elizabeth sits next to Clayton and gets all flirty, and Shanae is livid that she didn’t think of it first.

Ziwe starts with a game of Never Have I Ever…

Sent a nude photo? Most have, except for Sarah, Lyndsey W, and Marlena.

Faked an orgasm? They all have, except for Clayton.

Cheated on my boyfriend? Kate and Elizabeth say they have.

Felt judged by another woman in the house? Shanae’s paddle goes up lightning-fast.

Ziwe questions her, and Shanae says, “When I first came here, I wasn’t Shanae-Nae. I was Shanae, so I was really timid and shy.” The other women all witnessed her monster truck, heavy metal, mini-truck-flattening arrival just a few days prior, so they’re not buying it. “But Shanae-Nae is coming out.” She even gets up and dances the Nae Nae to prove it, because she desperately wants Clayton to notice her. She’s intense, and I’m getting a little nervous for the other ladies, especially Elizabeth. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!

The next challenge is an obstacle course. I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

Relationship Red Flags Obstacle Course

Ziwe tells the women they’re fighting for extra time with Clayton, and they need to fight for love “as they fought on the beaches of Normandy.” I’m not sure we need war references, Ziwe, as Shanae is already pretty amped.

The first challenge is Sliding Into DMs, which involves sliding across a wet tarp. Next up is a Thirst Trap, where they must chug 32 ounces of milk. Milk is flying everywhere, so it’s conveniently a wet T-shirt contest as well.

My husband is watching over my shoulder. “What if they’re lactose intolerant?” I shush him so I can concentrate on the next event, Breadcrumbing. Now the women have to make their way from one giant piece of bread to another while trying not to fall into tomato sauce. Too bad Mara Marinara isn’t here for this one. They’re all dressed in white, so I hope the crew stocked up on stain-removing products.

As they start to make their way across, Shanae spots her opening and pushes Elizabeth. There’s no doubt about it: We have two villains now, and Shanae will stop at nothing in her relentless pursuit of Clayton.

The women who fail the Breadcrumbing challenge are sent to the Friend Zone. Elizabeth isn’t happy about being pushed, but Shanae shows no remorse. “I pushed you because I was trying to win, honey. Aren’t we all?”

For the final challenge, the women are given sledgehammers to tear down Emotional Walls. Sarah, covered in milk and tomato sauce, is the first to break through the wall and make it to Clayton. She’s rewarded with champagne and a smooch session, while Shanae seethes and vows to up her game. “I didn’t win today, but I want to win tonight. It’s kind of all or nothing.”

Question: Do they have security at the mansion? I think they might need it…

The Group Date After Party

The women have showered and changed, and they’re back at Big Daddy’s Antiques. (BTW, who is Big Daddy, and how did he get into antiques?)

Sarah is flying high after her victory. “I have not felt this way about a guy that I’ve spent two days with, one day with.” Things move pretty quickly in Bachelor Nation, Sarah, and if you can fall in love in a weekend you’re the perfect candidate.

Shanae is itching for time with Clayton, but Elizabeth steals him first.

Elizabeth wants to play the Never Have I Ever game again. Never Have I Ever…kissed the bachelor. I’m shocked they haven’t kissed yet, because it feels like he’s kissed everyone. He’d probably kiss Big Daddy, if the guy ever made an appearance. Clayton is happy to oblige, and Elizabeth swoons. “The kiss was good. The kiss was very good.”

Shanae can hear the two talking and laughing, and she can’t handle it. She breaks away from the group and Marlena follows to see what’s wrong. Shanae complains that Elizabeth stole Clayton: “I see how terrible she is.”

Stealing the bachelor is like owning a cocktail dress; it’s basically a job requirement. Shanae is working herself into a tizzy over nothing, and I’m worried she’s about to go full Fatal Attraction. Are there any sharp implements in the antique store?

Clayton is busy chatting up the other ladies, unaware that Shanae is about to erupt like Mount Vesuvius, or a toddler who just lost her favorite binky.

He tells the producers he hasn’t seen any red flags yet, which means it’s time for Shanae to step in and provide some.

She throws Elizabeth under the bus. She claims they clicked, and then Elizabeth stopped interacting with her. “She’s two-faced, and I just don’t know if she’s here for the right reasons.” (Drink!)

Clayton is concerned, and he pulls Elizabeth aside to get her side of the story. The other women wonder what’s going on, and Shanae pretends to be equally clueless.

Elizabeth defends herself, insisting she has been nothing but kind to Shanae. I’m totally Team Elizabeth here, but we’re about to have a grammatical “nails on the chalkboard” moment. “I’m here to have conversations with you, and see if your and I’s relationship is something that should go somewhere.”

Aieeeeeeeeee! No. Oh, honey, no. NO! “I’s” is not a word. Nope, nope, nope. Not on this planet, not on any planet. JUST SAY NO!

“I’s” is short for “I is.” So let’s try the sentence again, without the contraction. “…if your and I is relationship is something that should go somewhere.” Definitely not.

As an alternative, she could say “yours and my.” As in, “Let’s see if yours and my relationship should go somewhere.” It still sounds stilted and just plain weird, but at least it’s acceptable English.

Why are Bachelor Nation shows the only place this grammatical atrocity seems to exist? It’s a tortured, convoluted thing that’s been driving me insane for several seasons. Just say “our relationship,” and be done with it. Okay? Okay.

Deep cleansing breath. Rant over. Let’s resume, shall we?

Elizabeth and Shanae have a chat. Shanae accuses Elizabeth of ignoring her during a conversation with Ency. “That’s a mean girl vibe to me.” Elizabeth confides that she has ADHD, and group conversations can be challenging. “It’s really hard for me to have multiple auditory inputs, because I can’t process the information.”

Shanae still feels Elizabeth is “two-faced,” even after learning about her ADHD. Elizabeth calmly reminds her, “Babe, you pushed me today.” Elizabeth just wants to move forward, and she gives Shanae a hug.

Everything’s okay now, right? We’re headed for sunshine and rainbows, for sure.

First, though, it’s time for the group date rose.

The rose Shanae’s been craving for days, or at least hours.

She wants this rose the way one of Pavlov’s dogs wanted food.

Clayton gives the rose to Sarah, because she’s here for the right reasons. (Drink!)

I sincerely hope Sarah has a lock on her bedroom door.

After Clayton leaves, Elizabeth and Shanae are still at odds. Long story short, because writing about Shanae is exhausting, she tells everyone Elizabeth has ADHD and storms out, scoffing all the way: “Fake, fake, fake. ADHD, my ass!”

The Cocktail Party

The next evening after the group date, it’s time for a cocktail party.

Cassidy, Shanae’s mentor and partner in crime, advises Shanae to let the feud with Elizabeth go. “It doesn’t benefit you at all to have any kind of beef. Just squash it.”

Jill, the architectural historian, hopes the night will be “devoid of drama.” Has she seen the show?

Eliza, the marketing manager from Berlin, gets time with Clayton. She suggests they start a scrapbook together. Aw, sweet! I’m just hoping it won’t be filled with pictures of bratwurst.

When Gabby gets her turn, she pulls out another pillow with Clayton’s face on it, but this one is much bigger than the first. Seriously, it’s at least three feet tall, and it’s hideous. What is going on behind the scenes? Clayton says, “Please burn that,” and I wholeheartedly agree.

Shanae pulls Elizabeth outside, for yet another unproductive conversation. When she sits down with one of the producers for an interview, she brings up Elizabeth’s ADHD and bursts out laughing. Oh, honey, no!!

Now all the women are discussing the situation, and my head hurts. Clearly they are Team Elizabeth. Even Cassidy, her mentor, tells Shanae to cut her losses.

Cassidy sits down with Clayton, and tells him she’s not going anywhere. “I will endure whatever I need to endure…I’m crushing on you, bigtime.” She already has a rose, but in true villain fashion she’s taking time away from the rose-less.

She’s been keeping a secret, though, and Sierra is about to spill the tea. “Clayton needs to know who she really is. She ain’t good. She a little snake.”

Sierra Spills the Tea

What could the secret be?

Cassidy can’t stand champagne? She brought only 3 cocktail dresses instead of 10? She’s actually Chris Harrison in disguise?

Worse: She has a man on the side.

Understandably, the news throws Clayton for a loop. He summons Jesse and asks, “Has anyone ever taken a rose back before?”

We’re denied the answer, though, because the screen flashes: TO BE CONTINUED.

To make matters worse, the show is taking a week off due to the Cardinals/Rams NFL playoff game on January 17th. (At first I thought Clayton needed a week off to ice his lips.) We’ll have to wait until January 24th to learn Cassidy’s fate.

No worries. I’ll be back next week, with all the details. See you then!

P.S. Need to catch up? Here’s the episode list:
| Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 |
| Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Free Bingo Cards! |

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