Hello friends!
A quick recap: Shanae and Elizabeth’s shrimp-fueled feud boiled over after the Bachelor Bowl, causing Shanae to crash the afterparty, steal the trophy, and convince Clayton that Elizabeth was the real troublemaker. He sent sweet, saintly Elizabeth home, but kept Shanae around for more ratings smooching. Her tiresome behavior inspired me to rename her “Schrampy McDastardly,” or some variation thereof.
If you haven’t snagged your free Bachelor Bingo cards yet, get them here.
Need to catch up? Here’s the episode list:
| Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 |
| Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Free Bingo Cards! |
Grab your snacks and your fizzy beverages, and let’s get started!
Serene’s One-on-One Date
Serene runs up to Clayton on the beach and greets him with the classic Jump ‘n Hug. (Do they have training classes for this move? According to Lauren Luyendyk from season 22, they do.)
They’re at Galveston Island’s historic Pleasure Pier, and they have the amusement park all to themselves. They enjoy the games and the rides, and we learn that Clayton once worked at Six Flags, in the fudge factory. He goes behind the counter at the ice cream shop to serve up some cones, and Cheesy Clayton reemerges: “What are you in the mood for, besides me?” Serene thinks he’s cute and funny, and there’s lots of kissyface.
For the evening portion of the date, they have “dinner” at The Astorian. It all feels a little meta, since nobody actually eats on these dinner dates, and The Astorian is a wedding venue, but it’s unlikely a wedding will result from all of this. (Is my cynical side showing?)
Serene opens up about losing her grandmother a few years ago, and more recently, her cousin. Clayton is impressed with her vulnerability, and offers her a rose. They kiss, and Serene tells the camera, “He could be my husband. I definitely feel like I’m falling in love with Clayton.”
Kiss Counter: 7 kisses.
Cocktail Party & Rose Ceremony (#4)
Clayton arrives and immediately pulls aside the winners of the Bachelor Bowl. He wants to know the “full story” about Schrampy McDastardly, and the women are happy to spill the tea.
Clayton then speaks to the evil one herself.
She admits to throwing the trophy into a pond, and when Clayton prompts her, says she would like to apologize.
She delivers an emotional, teary apology to the other 14 women, and they’re willing to give her a second chance. Clayton thanks her, and rewards her with a big smooch.
Um, excuse me, but WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
These women have been ready to strangle McDastardly for several episodes, but now they’re full of forgiveness and goodwill? There are only two possibilities: A) Schramps McD spiked the champagne and they’re hallucinating, or B) the producers delivered a rousing pep talk on love, acceptance, and the need for better ratings.
The Rose Ceremony
As Clayton begins to hand out roses, we see brief takes from Mara’s behind-the-scenes chat with a producer. Despite the apparent mood of forgiveness, she shares the real vibe: “We all want [Schrampy] to leave…If she stays, there will be an uproar.”
When it comes to the final rose four women are still empty-handed, including the Shrampster.
It would be nice to see the drama end, but the Nielsens are calling and Clayton can’t resist their siren song. The final rose goes to Schrampy. Jill, Lyndsey, and Sierra must say their goodbyes.
Sierra bestows some parting advice, telling Clayton to choose a girl for the man he will become, not the man he is right now. “And don’t be stupid.” Zing! If there were an award for best exit, she deserves it.
Clayton announces that it’s time to go international. Next stop, Canada!
Scoreboard: 12 women remaining.
Touch Down in Toronto
Someone should warn the nice, polite people of Canada that a tropical storm has arrived.
Clayton is excited about all the connections he’s formed. “I do believe I could fall in love with multiple women. It’s scary, but I’m not gonna hold back.” Once again, Clayton, I must remind you this is The Bachelor, and not Sister Wives.
The women are excited about their hotel room. We get scenes of them jumping on the bed, crowding into the bathtub, etc. I’m surprised a pillow fight doesn’t break out.
A date card arrives for Gabby. “Love is on the horizon…”
Everyone’s thrilled for Gabby, with the exception of SchrampFace. She looks like she just ate an entire bottle of maple syrup, glass and all.
Gabby’s One-on-One Date
Gabby and Clayton take a helicopter ride and explore the beautiful city of Toronto. Afterward, they play street hockey in the park, eat fried-dough pastries, spray paint a heart on a brick wall, and generally have a great time. There’s a lot of laughter, and they’re clearly comfortable with each other.
At one point she tells him he doesn’t really want to know what goes on in her head, and he replies, “I can handle a little crazy.” I hope that’s true, Clayton, because Hurricane Schrampalampa is picking up speed.
Cut to the women’s hotel, where a group date card has arrived for Rachel, Sarah, Serene, Marlena, Susie, Hunter, Eliza, Teddi, and Mara. “Can you take the heat?”
The women quickly do the math and realize that two names have been omitted: Genevieve’s and Schrampy’s.
Holy Poutine! Cue some dramatic music and ominous thunder…the two-on-one date is coming!
Back to Gabby and Clayton, for the evening part of their date. The setting is gorgeous, with the city of Toronto as a glittering backdrop. Gabby reveals that she’s much better at giving love than receiving, stemming from a difficult relationship with her now-estranged mother. Clayton’s thankful for her ability to open up, and offers her a rose.
They change into swimsuits and enjoy a dip in the pool and a LOT of kissyface. Clayton tells the camera that he feels blindsided in the best possible way, and “She could be my future wife.”
Kiss Counter: Too many to count.
The Group Date
Clayton escorts the women to a courtyard, where they meet a special guest: Russell Peters, a Canadian comedian and actor, and “the master of the roast.”
The women are going to roast Clayton, and each other. They spend time writing their material, and then it’s time to admit the audience and bring the heat.
Marlena’s up first, and she hits Clayton with both barrels: “You’re from Missouri, right? Do you kiss your mother with your mouth open or closed?”
Holy Shrimp Balls with Gravy, did she just say that?
Clayton later clarifies that it’s mouth closed, thank you very much.
Many of the women roast the absent Schrampy, to great applause. Some of the jibes cut a little too deeply, especially between Mara and Sarah, but Clayton declares it “the best date ever.”
Group Date Afterparty
The afterparty takes place at Steam Whistle Brewing.
Susie grabs Clayton first, and she counters her roast comments with a shower of compliments. Marlena goes next, and Clayton praises her for crushing it earlier. Both get smooch sessions.
Back at the hotel, it’s just Gabby, Genevieve, and ShrampyLouWho, and the two-on-one date card arrives. “Shanae and Genevieve: Into the falls, your journey goes. Only one comes out with a rose. I need to make a decision.”
Yikes! Is it my imagination, or is that one of the most foreboding date cards ever? I’m legitimately worried the show will get its first drowning victim.
Cut to the afterparty, where Rachel and Clayton are snuggling up. Clayton says, “I really don’t stop thinking about you. Like, I’ll count the days. I look forward to the next time that I get to see you.” He has a strong connection with her, but anything could happen.
Once again, Clayton, I must remind you this is The Bachelor, and not Sister Wives.
Eliza brings him a round of shots…not of alcohol, but of maple syrup. What, no pancakes?
During Sarah’s time, she says “comfortability” twice. It’s rarely used and there’s debate over whether it’s even a word. It would be much easier to just say “comfortable,” so I suspect the producers are continuing their quest to destroy the English language. Somebody stop me before I grab a thesaurus and start angry tweeting…
It’s time for the group date rose, and it goes to Rachel.
Terror in Toronto: The Two-on-One Date
Genevieve and our vacuous villain pack their bags and prepare to face off at the falls.
I would really rather write about anyone else at this point, anyone at all.
3 Things I’d Rather Do Instead of Watch Schrampy
1. Crawl over broken champagne flutes on my bare knees.
2. Eat roses that have been dipped in Ghost Pepper sauce.
3. Clean the bathroom after 12 women have primped for a rose ceremony.
However, I feel an obligation to you, dear readers, so I will continue on.
The Date Begins
The two must share a limousine to reach their doom destination. If this were a movie, this is where dark clouds would roll in, thunder would rumble loudly, and the birds would fall silent before the coming apocalypse. ABC doesn’t have the budget for that, so a tense limo ride will have to do.
They arrive at Niagara Falls and board a boat for their cruise. ShrimpSchramp tells the camera she’s taking out the trash for the last time, and she pantomimes tossing Genevieve into the water. “Hope you can swim!”
I’m feeling a sense of relief that our collective nightmare might reach an end, when the worst happens: “To Be Continued…” flashes on the screen.
Holy Forking Shirtballs!
Next time: Will Clueless Clayton finally wise up? Will there actually be a water-logged homicide? Is there enough chocolate and bubbly to sustain us?
Find out next week, when I’ll be back to take another one for the team. Cheers!