The Bachelor Episode 1
My take on Clayton Echard, Jesse Palmer, clown wigs, and villains.
Greetings to all of you in Substackville!
I’m joining the fun because I have all of these random thoughts flitting about my brain, and I thought it might be safer for society at large if I found a home for them.
First up: The Bachelor, Season 26
I have mixed feelings about this show. It’s fun, it’s a nice dose of unrealistic brain candy, but is a guy dating 30 women really the best path to wedded bliss? Probably not…
Becoming the bachelor to find a wife is like moving into a bakery so you can eat low-carb. You are doomed to fail.
Let’s check in on our new bachelor, Clayton Echard, anyway.
Things are off to a good start. Clayton is a handsome ex-football player from Missouri, so he’s ticking all the right boxes. He even starts to cry describing how much he wants to start a family. This could work.
Wait…Jesse Palmer is the new host? This may be a problem. He looks a lot like Clayton, and they even have similar haircuts.
I think Jesse needs something to set himself apart, like a wig. A nice, bright orange, curly clown wig. Yup, that’ll do it! For the rest of the show I’m going to picture him as Jesse the Clown.
Now that’s settled, it’s time to meet the women.
Shanae, from the one-stoplight town of Sycamore, Ohio: “Clayton, I hope you’re as sweet as this donut, because I’m gonna eat you up.” Shanae says she’s very competitive, whether it’s a man or a card game. “I want it, I’m gonna get it.” I smell trouble.
Gabby, an ICU nurse from Denver: “Clayton, I know you played football in college, and I’m just assuming you were a tight end, because you do have a tight end.” Gabby’s a former NFL cheerleader, and she wants to seduce Clayton with her humor. She says she can’t wait to meet him and touch him, because “he’s so muscley.”
I would really like to comment on the many ways Bachelor contestants mangle the English language, but that will have to wait for another post.
Rachel, a flight instructor from Florida: “I think the first night is definitely gonna have turbulence.”
Daria, Yale law student: “I think Clayton is very handsome.” She’s been focused on her education, but now she wants to start a family. Let’s hope she doesn’t hear “overruled” from Clayton.
Susie, wedding videographer: Her intro video shows her wrestling someone to the ground. Is that what she does to unruly wedding guests who photobomb the bride? Along with her knowledge of jiu-jitsu, she’s a former Miss USA contestant. Definitely a strong contender to break Clayton’s heart, or maybe his nose.
Elizabeth, real estate advisor from Colorado: She says her friends and family would describe her as confident, gregarious, and really driven. If things don’t work out romantically, maybe she can find Clayton the perfect starter home.
Teddi, surgical unit nurse: In her video she tells her mother she’ll go to the Fantasy Suite, if invited. Then she drops the bomb: She’s a virgin. Oh, honey, no! Don’t share that, because that’s all anybody will want to talk about. Has she never watched this show? I want to give her Ashley I’s phone number, because I think she’ll need it.
Salley, who tells us she’s from Greenville, South Carolina: Instead of stating her profession, the text under her name simply reads Previously Engaged. It also says she’s from Charlottesville, Virginia, so I think the editors may have had too many margaritas before assembling her segment. Further proof they’ve been hitting the bottle: Her official bio on ABC.com says she’s a “spine surgery robot operator” who hates cotton balls and is obsessed with hot tubs. Just your average girl.
This appears to be the end of the introductory videos; the rest of the girls just get a quick 10-second clip or nothing at all. This either means we’ll learn more about them later, or they will disappear quicker than former host Chris Harrison.
When Clayton Met Salley
The camera follows “Previously Engaged” Salley as she knocks on Clayton’s door. She tells him she was originally going to be married this weekend, but the relationship ended and she isn’t sure if her heart’s ready.
Clayton is reassuring and supportive, and he offers her the first rose. Salley chooses to reject his rose, and she leaves the show.
This is probably why the editors bungled her bio; they knew she wouldn’t be around long enough to matter. Next!
Clayton Meets the Ladies of Season 26
The limos start pulling up to the Bachelor mansion. It’s about to get CRAZY!
First out of the limo: Sarah, a wealth management advisor. She’s beautiful, her dress is sparkly. and she gives him a small tiger token, since she went to Clemson and he played for the Missouri Tigers. The night is off to a good start.
Lyndsey W., an industrial sales rep from Houston, is next. It’s just not the Bachelor without multiple Lyndseys, is it?
Genevieve, the bartender, is third. She’s stunning in her red dress and appears to be completely normal, so I don’t think she’ll last long.
#4: Ency, a sales manager. She’s half Persian and half Korean, and tells him “saalam Clayton joon,” which means “Hello, Clayton love.” Speaking Korean, she says, “From this moment forward, I would love to find a friendship with you that develops into a romantic love.” Clearly she’s never seen the show, or she’d know there just isn’t time for that. From her bio, we learn that she once taught English to North Korean defectors, and she would love “more opportunities to dress in costume.”
#5: Susie, the wedding videographer. I was hoping she’d try some of her jiu jitsu moves on him; instead she shakes his hand and gives him a tiny shock using a concealed buzzer. “Did you feel the electricity between us?” Not the best intro but not the worst, either.
#6: Claire, a spray tanner from Virginia Beach. Claire tells Clayton she’s decided to skip her planned speech, which would have been “really cringey,” but maybe she’ll share it with him later. An odd approach; we’ll have to see if it pays off. From the Fun Facts in her bio we learn she likes ranch dressing with buffalo wings, and that “people who don't wear deodorant make Claire angry.” In the future I may skip the show and just read the bios, because these are fabulous. Is it a bad thing if I can’t tell whether they’re kidding or not?
#7: Serene, an elementary school teacher from Oklahoma City. She tells him she’s nervous, but looking at him makes her feel better. You and half of America, Serene.
#8: Teddi, the nurse. She tells him, “Hopefully, soon I’ll be your teddy bear.” Aw, sweet. As she walks away, Clayton says, “I may not have words for her. Teddi, you make me feel some type of way. Whoof. Man, I’m in way over my head with this journey. Come on now, how am I supposed to pick?” It’s a tough job, Clayton, but somebody has to do it.
#9: Tessa, a human resources specialist from Connecticut. She explains that her name is “asset” backward, so “I think you know what you need to do in there.” From her bio we learn that Stevie Nicks is her bohemian icon, and she has “a fear of red fruits: apples, grapes, raisins, etc.” This means brunch could get awkward, and also someone in this equation has no idea what color raisins are.
#10: Lindsay D., a neonatal nurse from Florida. From her bio we learn that she loves Taco Bell and Hallmark Christmas movies, and enjoys napping in hammocks.
#11: Daria, the law student from New York. She’s wearing a rose necklace, and she hopes the evening ends with a rose.
Clayton breaks protocol and slips into the mansion to tell the women that he’s excited and “so thankful you guys are here.” This promps one of the women to gush, “He’s a real person, and he’s excited to date us, so it felt special.” Yes, he wants to date you AND 29 other girls. Don’t pick out a wedding dress just yet, okay?
Jesse the Clown shows up to ask how Clayton’s holding up, and then another limo arrives.
#12: Kate, a real estate agent from California. She suggests they’ll both feel more relaxed if they “hold one of my nips.” She reaches into her dress and pulls out…two mini bottles of alcohol. She concedes later that it was a “bold move.” According to her bio she once dated Harry Styles, so I vote we cancel the rest of the evening and just let Kate tell stories about her life.
#13: Sierra, a recruiting coordinator from Dallas. She tells Clayton she’s his wife, who has just come back from the future. “You end up choosing me anyway, so you want to just get out of here?” They both laugh, but I’m picturing the shortest Bachelor season ever, and I kinda like it.
#14: Melina, a personal trainer from California. She bounces up to Clayton wearing KANGABOOTS™️ (described as a shock-absorbing workout shoe), and jumps into his arms. From her bio, we learn that she’s very skilled at jumping rope, she loves being tucked in, and when she dies, “she wants to be buried in cranberry sauce and stuffing.” Thanksgiving at her house must be interesting.
#15: Hailey, a pediatric nurse from Florida. She tells him she’s self-sufficient, but she does need help occasionally, and then she hands him a jar of pickles to open. Um, what? He opens the jar with ease, so…crisis averted?
#16: Jill, an architectural historian from Rhode Island. Jill’s holding an urn, which she says contains the ashes of her ex-boyfriends. “I brought them here just in case you make the same mistake.” Oh, honey, NO. You never mention your exes on a first date, that’s a cardinal rule.
The women are watching from the mansion with their mouths agape, and one says, “Things are getting weird.” You think?
#17: Marlena, a former Olympian from Virginia Beach. She blows a whistle and throws down a flag, telling him, “Penalty on you. 15 yards for being so fine.”
#18: Jane, a social media director from Los Angeles. Instead of arriving in a limo, she drives up in a white 1950s convertible. She says she’s been called a cougar once or twice, but she likes to think of herself as vintage. She’s 33, who is she dating to be classified as a cougar? Clayton seems confused by this as well.
Then Things Get Really Bonkers
#19?: Holly, a 63-year-old retiree from Boca Raton, Florida. Holly announces that she’s a mother of two and she’d like grandchildren, but she’s looking for the other bachelor, the senior bachelor. Then she says she’s kidding; she wants to introduce him to Rachel. (Is this ABC’s way of telling us their show for seniors is still going to happen?)
#19: Rachel, the flight instructor from Florida. Clayton asks how the two women know each other. Rachel says that she’s a pilot, and Holly was her “wing woman.” To his credit, Clayton keeps a smile on his face the entire time, but admits, “That one threw me for a loop.”
#20: Ivana, a bar mitzvah dancer from New York. (Is that really a thing? Apparently it is.) Ivana has the only silent entrance on record. She holds a finger to her lips to indicate no talking, and then blows him a kiss and breezes inside. Maybe her next career move is mime school? According to her bio, she “prefers indoor trees,” and her ideal date involves dancing naked in the rain and a good shampooing. Really. It really says that.
#21: Kira, a physician from Philadelphia. Kira steps out of the limo wearing a white coat and a stethoscope over lacy red lingerie, and Clayton is here for it. She wants to give him a physical, “just to make sure you’re fit and ready for what’s to come.”
#22: Mara, an entrepreneur from New Jersey. “My name is Mara, like marinara. A little spicy, and a little saucy.”
#23: Rianna, a registered nurse from Dallas. “Why don’t we save a horse, and you can ride a cowgirl.”
#24: Eliza, a marketing manager from Berlin, Germany. She goes for a “Lady and the Tramp” vibe, where they each nibble on one end of a bratwurst. Oh, honeyyyyy, no! NO! Do not sully my memories of adorable dogs eating spaghetti!
#25: Gabby, the ICU nurse from Denver. Gabby’s prop is a pillow with Clayton’s likeness, because “I just want to sit on your face.” Sigh. Gabby darling, you do realize your family is watching this, right?
#26: Elizabeth, the real estate advisor from Highlands Ranch, Colorado. We are mercifully spared the audio, but we still get the visual of her spanking Clayton with a whip. This is just…wrong, so very wrong.
I imagine the producers save the more provocative or bat-shit crazy stuff for later in the evening, when the ladies have had several drinks to boost their courage. Viewing parties make a lot more sense now; alcohol would definitely make this easier to watch. I’m not a big drinker, though, so I’m relying on chocolate-covered raisins to see me through. Next week I’m buying the Costco-sized container.
#27: Hunter, an HR specialist from North Carolina. Hunter brought a snake. A real snake. A BIG snake. Her tagline: “I do believe in love at first hiss.”
#28: Samantha, an occupational therapist from San Diego. Samantha arrives in a bathtub full of suds, because why not? At this point I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bigfoot, or aliens, or Bernie Sanders in a pink tutu. Anything is possible.
#29: Cassidy, an executive recruiter from Los Angeles. Cassidy drives up in a miniature truck that’s barely big enough for her to perch on. Her philosophy: “Go big or go home.” So you decided to go big by going small? Nothing makes sense anymore and I may need a barrel of chocolate to make it through the rest of the show.
#30: Shanae, the recruiter from “one stoplight” Sycamore, Ohio. Shanae drives up in a giant truck, heavy metal blaring, and plows right into Cassidy’s mini truck. Ladies and gentleman, our villain has arrived!
The gang’s all here, so now the plotting and backstabbing and crying can begin.
The Cocktail Party (aka The End of Civilization)
Clayton greets the women, and tells them he’s nervous. I’m nervous too, because they keep cutting to Hunter and her enormous snake, which is draped around her neck. Isn’t there a snake wrangler or somebody who can take it off her hands?
The one-on-one conversations start, and Susie the wedding videographer goes first.
Next up is Elizabeth, the real estate mogul. Her whip is not in evidence, thankfully. She shows Clayton a picture from 1930 of her great-grandfather Gustaf Munson, and his wife. She asks Clayton to hold on to the picture as a symbol of how everything in life happens for a reason. It’s a sweet moment, but I can’t get the whip out of my head. I think Gustaf would be horrified by modern dating, and I sincerely hope her photo lands with a production intern. Why? Because the probability of Clayton marrying her, or any of these ladies, is slim to none. Protect those heirlooms, ladies!
We see a brief interview with Teddi before her turn, and she says she’s not going to kiss Clayton tonight. They have a nice conversation, but I’m distracted by his hand, which is resting on her upper thigh. Seems a little forward for the first night, Clayton. Pace yourself! When he leans in for a kiss, Teddi happily goes for the liplock. Apparently, Clayton is just too much to resist.
I’m getting more nervous because the snake is still out there, somewhere, and it might be strangling one of the ladies, or even worse, drinking her champagne. It’s also time for somebody to come and “steal” Clayton, which will set off hard feelings, and there will certainly be complaints about not getting enough time. This is a standard Bachelor Nation trope, but seriously, have they never considered a schedule?
Meanwhile, Clayton is on “cloud ten” after kissing Teddi. He knows his wife is in this random group of 30 women. He says, “I will be getting down on one knee at the end of this. It is going to happen. I am speaking it into existence right now.” Okay, Tony Robbins, good luck with that.
The other ladies are not so blissful about the kissing, and their mood does not improve when Kira, Dr. Lingerie, gets her own smooch session. Lock up the sharp objects, because alcohol consumption and desperation do not play well together.
Eliza decides to use her time with Clayton to work on his German pronunciation. (Is that really a solid strategy? “I knew she was the one when she corrected my umlaut.”) The first phrase she shows him is “Koennen wir küssen,” which means “Can we kiss?” I guess she’s got game after all. Clayton is all, “Ja!,” and Eliza gets her kiss. Good job, girl!
Jesse brings in a silver platter with the first impression rose, and the tension rachets up several notches.
Melina shows Clayton how to use the KANGABOOTS™️ and Hunter gives Clayton a closer look at her snake. (Not a sentence I thought I’d ever type.) Cassidy and Clayton play with mini trucks in the driveway, and steal a smooch along the way. Hmmm. Things seem to be going pretty smoothly; maybe my fears were unfounded.
Claire sets up a tailgate event, with snacks and a game of cornhole. She is DETERMINED to get the first impression rose. Frankly, I’m a little scared.
She claims victory at cornhole, and they start in on her favorite snack, buffalo wings with ranch. She tells him, “When we go out and split wings, you get the #%@# ones and I get the flats.” Such a delicate flower; how could Clayton resist her? But oh no, who’s that hovering in the background? Is someone about to attempt a steal?
It’s “Mara Marinara” from Jersey, swooping in. “Can I steal him a while for a second?” Claire refuses to yield the field. “We’re like, right in the middle of our convo.” She insists that Clayton sit with her; he’s clearly torn between the two. Finally she relents, and Clayton leaves with Mara.
While Mara offers him some “real sauce,” and asks him to guess her secret ingredient (spoiler alert: it’s love!!), the ladies quiz Claire on her tailgate date.
“Not the vibe,” she says. “I have a very, like, specific palate. He’s 100% too nice for me.” She tells them it was a catastrophe, she “beat his ass at cornhole,” and “then the girl walked up and was like, ‘Hey, can I steal you,’ and I was like, ‘go.’ He sucks.”
Again, it’s hard to see how Clayton could fail to succumb to her winsome charms and sweet manner of speaking.
The ladies are aghast, especially those who haven’t had time with Clayton. Claire continues her diatribe: “I would eat him [up] and spit him out.” Perhaps she thinks Clayton and chicken wings are interchangeable. If he were dipped in ranch, maybe her opinion would change.
The shock waves continue to ripple through the mansion. “You come for Clayton, you come for all of us.” The object of their desire is blissfully unaware of the storm, as he’s busy telling Sarah how beautiful she is. (At least, I think it’s Sarah. I need name tags!)
Finally, Serene gives Clayton the scoop, and he asks Claire to join him for a chat. Commercial break!
Just before the break, we are gifted with a shot of the snake cozying up to the first impression rose. Great, like I wasn’t freaked out enough. Now while the sponsors shill deodorant and almond milk, I have to worry about Claire and killer snakes.
We’re back!
Clayton confronts Claire: “You hate me?” She denies it. “We just haven’t, like, clicked. I think you’re a great guy. And, honestly, I think you’re —I don’t hate—like, it’s not—no. What the hell, I don’t hate anybody.”
Despite the eloquence of her response, Clayton escorts her to the exit. Clearly her skills would be better suited to a career of mud wrestling, or eating chicken wings professionally. Taking another look at her bio, I see her favorite movie is “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” so maybe we should have seen this coming.
Clayton tells the women Claire is gone, and asks if anyone else wants to leave. They all want to stay, so he continues chatting up the ladies. First bartender Genevieve, and then flight instructor Rachel. No kissyface for Genevieve, but definitely for Rachel.
Rachel hopes she’ll receive the first impression rose, but her hopes are dashed when Clayton presents it to Teddi. Teddi “I’m not going to kiss Clayton tonight” is still busy kissing Clayton when Jesse appears to announce the rose ceremony.
Who will receive a rose? Who will go home empty-handed? Will it be…the most dramatic rose ceremony ever?
The sun is starting to rise, so we know these shenanigans have been going on all night. Jill, Lyndsey W., Genevieve, and Gabby are worried they won’t receive a rose. Genevieve is channeling Destiny’s Child, thinking, “Say my name,” with each new rose. They didn’t need to worry; they all receive roses.
Gabby is so excited to hear her name that she starts to reach for the rose before Clayton has even offered it. Chill out, Gabby!
As the ceremony winds down, Tessa is still without a rose. She starts questioning her self-worth, and feeling hopeless. I want to hug her through the screen, and tell her, “It’s just a show! He probably won’t pick you, and if he does he probably won’t marry you, so go home and look for a nice boy who doesn’t need headshots.”
Jesse comes in to announce the final rose. They all know there’s just one rose left, Jesse—thanks for rubbing that in.
The camera pans the remaining girls, and Clayton awards the last rose to…Tessa.
Jesse returns to deliver the standard speech. “Ladies, I’m sorry, but if you did not receive a rose tonight, take a moment and say your goodbyes.”
That means we must say farewell to Daria, the law student (overruled!), Hailey, the pediatric nurse; Ivana, the bar mitzvah dancer (who actually can speak, it turns out); Jane, the social media director; Lindsay D., the neonatal nurse; Rianna, the nurse from Dallas; and Samantha, the occupational therapist. Claire had already left, so that leaves Clayton with 22 hopefuls.
The remaining ladies and Clayton toast to the future, and Cassidy and Tessa thank the other women for their support. This probably means there’s a lot of non-supportive behavior coming up soon. Oh, and here’s a clip from upcoming episodes, where the women are sniping at each other, crying, and generally behaving badly. Jesse’s voiceover promises, “This season of the Bachelor is like nothing you’ve seen before.” Why, does somebody actually get married?
Then we see footage of Clayton professing his love for not one, not two, but THREE women. Say it isn’t so! Then, to make matters worse, he confesses to being intimate with two of them. Nooooo, Clayton, nooooooo! The clip is edited in such a way that we can’t really tell who the women are, but this is SCANDALOUS!
So many questions. Who are the final three? Will the snake make another appearance? Will I eat enough chocolate to lapse into a diabetic coma? Will this actually be the most shocking season ever? Come back next week to find out!
Need to catch up? Here’s the episode list:
| Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 |
| Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Free Bingo Cards! |