Hi friends!
I hope you have your fizzy beverages close at hand, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. If you haven’t printed out your free bingo cards yet, you can find them here.
Need to catch up? Here’s the episode list:
| Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Episode 6 | Episode 7 |
| Episode 8 | Episode 9 | Episode 10 | Episode 11 | Episode 12 | Free Bingo Cards! |
The Rose Ceremony (#3)
If you haven’t been watching, here’s a quick recap: Shanae is an evil villain with a shrimp fixation, Elizabeth is a saint, Clayton is clueless, and the other women are fed up. Get all the Episode 3 details here.
The Drama Begins
The women are wondering how Clayton will handle the Shanae/Elizabeth conflict, and hoping it won’t affect their time with him. (Again, I must ask: Have they SEEN THE SHOW? It definitely will.) They make an attempt to resolve the situation themselves, but it devolves into a shouting match.
Clayton arrives in a “somber” mood, and asks to speak to the two outside. They each state their case, while Clayton sits silently in the middle looking absolutely miserable and wondering when he can get back to kissing someone, anyone. He steps away, as they continue their verbal battle.
The only good thing? Shanae says, “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here for Clayton,” so if that’s on your bingo card you get to drink!
Shanae is Tiresome
I think she needs a nickname.
Shanae the Terrible? That would be an insult to Ivan the Terrible. She Who Shall Not Be Named? Too long.
It should be shrimp-related, definitely, and capture her obnoxious behavior.
Then I remember Kristen Bell’s character, Eleanor, from The Good Place, and her love for shrimp. She called them “schrampies,” and once she even stuffed some down her bra at a party. (That might be a fun activity for the next group date.)
So I shall dub Shanae…Schrampy McDastardly.
I can’t find a clip of the bra-stuffing scene, so let’s make do with this collection of fake curse words:
Back to the action.
Clayton is still absent; he’s probably stocking up on lip balm. Schrampy McDastardly wanders over to the buffet and fills a plate with…wait for it…shrimp! She joins the other women, and another heated argument breaks out over her behavior.
Jesse appears. He announces that Clayton is exhausted, and “not in a great headspace,” so he’s canceling the cocktail party.
No party? Holy shirtballs!
No one should be surprised, because this always happens around episode 4 or 5.
The mood is downbeat as the rose ceremony begins. When Jesse announces the final rose, the last four women are Kira, Melina, Elizabeth, and Schrampy.
Will Clayton give Elizabeth a rose, and with it a glimmer of hope that the horror of ShrimpGate will fade, or will he give the rose to her nemesis, thus guaranteeing more conflict and tears?
The final rose goes to…Shrampy McDastardly. Was this ever in doubt?
Scoreboard: 15 women remaining, countless tears, zero kissing.
A New Day Dawns
The next morning Jesse appears, and announces there won’t be a date that evening. At least, not in Los Angeles, because the remaining survivors women are “setting off on a worldwide, international journey to find love with Clayton.”
First stop: Houston, Texas.
They’ve barely arrived when Clayton gets a surprise visit from his former Missouri Tigers teammate, Clarence. They discuss marriage and family, and Clayton is sure he’ll be proposing. He’s not sure how he’ll pick just one, though. “I’m gonna be down to two, maybe even three, possibly four women.” It’s almost like he’s seen the teasers for the final episodes.
A word of advice, Clayton: The show you’re on is The Bachelor, not Sister Wives.
A Date Card Arrives
It’s a coveted one-on-one date. “Rachel, let’s find our love in the heart of Texas.”
Rachel meets Clayton at the historic Hill House + Farm, and she greets him with a running Jump & Hug and a kiss. He tells her “Country Clay” might come out, as they’re going horseback riding.
We end up with Cheesy Clay instead. At one point he asks, “Is everything you do hot? Is there anything you do that’s not hot?”
They pretend to take a wrong turn and stumble across someone’s family barbecue in progress, so of course they join in. A little Googling reveals that it’s the three owners of Blood Bros. BBQ preparing the food, but that’s never mentioned. Is it still product placement if you never name the product? Hmmm. Talk amongst yourselves…
Afterward, Clayton and Rachel enjoy a lakeside chat, and some kissyface.
Later on they meet for dinner, followed by a private concert featuring Restless Road. He’s smitten, she’s smitten…I need some caffeine. They make a beautiful couple, but it all feels a little blah.
The Bachelor Bowl
A date card arrives; it’s a group date for Sarah, Eliza, Teddi, Marlena, Jill, Susie, Mara, Sierra, Hunter, Lyndsey, Genevieve, Gabby, and the Shrampster. “Meet me at the stadium.”
Serene, the elementary school teacher, is excited that her name isn’t called; this means she gets a one-on-one. It also means she’ll miss out on whatever drama is about to happen. Yay, Serene! I wish we could all join you.
Sierra and Genevieve plot to expose Schrampy McDastardly’s true nature to Clayton during the date, while she listens from the other room, with her ear pressed to the wall. It’s a scene straight from a telenovela, without the entertainment factor.
Cut to the stadium.
They have a barbecue, and then the day’s activity is introduced: Tackle football, with a trophy and extra Clayton time on the line. They divide into two teams: The Purple Punishers, and the Shrimp Stampede. I think I’m developing a seafood allergy.
Marlena, the former Olympian, goes into beast mode. “There’s gonna be some blood, there’s gonna be some guts. There’s gonna be some weave on the ground. I’m not taking no prisoners! We breaking necks, we coming hard. It’s war!”
Is it really a good idea to pit these women against each other? It’s not just anti-feminist; I’m worried the Crustacean Queen will absolutely lose her mind and try to stab somebody on the field. I hope there’s a paramedic crew on standby.
Jesse Palmer and Hannah Storm appear, to provide commentary for The Bachelor Bowl. We get to see footage of past games, and then it’s time to unleash the ladies.
We witness a lot of mistakes, bad behavior, and unnecessary tackling, and the Purple Punishers win, 21 to 0.
The After Party
The Purple Punishers (Susie, Marlena, Sierra, Mara, Genevieve, Sarah, and Teddi) gather for their precious reward: Time with Clayton.
Clayton pronounces the day “hilarious,” and says he’s “surprised by the amount of blood that was shed,” but he actually seems pretty pleased. Marlena is thrilled that the other team had to go home. “I don’t have to worry about anything raining on my parade.” Sorry, Marlena, but that’s exactly what’s about to happen.
Teddi and Clayton get some private time, and she shows off an abrasion on one of her lovely limbs. She’s having a hard week, feeling like she has to gain his love. He reassures her, and they smooch while he caresses her leg. He almost touches the wound, and suggests she get a bandage for it. Silly boy—she’s a nurse, so she definitely knows how to care for a simple scrape. He clearly doesn’t understand that she fought hard for that injury, so she wants it on full display. Plus, a bandage would ruin her outfit.
Sierra toasts to an amazing party, with a lack of drama. That means drama is coming. When she gets time, she tells Clayton how everyone feels about Shrampalampa.
Genevieve shares similar concerns, and Clayton is shocked. “I thought this was done.”
Right on cue, here comes Schrampy.
Clayton is chatting with Sarah when she swans in, insisting she deserves to be there. She claims the others are plotting against her. Clayton is confused, but she convinces him she’s the innocent one, and they kiss.
Oh, Clayton. Dear, sweet, clueless Clayton. I want to smack some sense into him. I want Will Ferrell to show up and call him a cotton-headed ninny muggins. Mainly, though, I never want to see SchrampFace again.
The women hope Clayton is sending her home, but she invades their circle, steals their trophy, and tosses it into the shadows. Holy shrimping shirtballs!! What the fork will it take to get rid of this she-beast?
That’s the end of this episode, but the teaser for next week shows Genevieve and Schramptasia embarking on the dreaded two-on-one date. (It also shows Clayton professing his love for three women. Oh, honey, no!!)
Will Clayton finally come to his senses? Will the Bachelor Bowl trophy ever be recovered? Will I have to come up with even more seafood monikers? Come back next week to find out!