The Courtship: Suitor Analysis
Matching Nicole's suitors with classic boyfriend tropes—how does that make you feel?
Here’s a little bonus to keep you occupied until the next episode drops on April 13.
The XY Files
Most of the men you date can be sorted into recognizable categories, so let’s try that with Nicole’s suitors.
Note: This post contains a mild spoiler for Episode 7 at the end.
Mr. Bochicchio is the prototypical High-School Boyfriend. He’s cute and sweet, and you have an absolute blast at the prom. You break up in college after you discover you have nothing in common, and he’s cheating on you with the RA.
Mr. Chapman is the classic Bad Boy, often seen wearing a black leather jacket, reading obscure works of literature, and staring off intently into the distance. In an old Western he’d be the lone cowboy riding out of town, leaving behind a trail of broken hearts. IRL, he promises to meet you at Starbucks, but next thing you know he’s gassing up and heading for the next town in his self-described “soccer mom” van.
P.S. He probably considers deodorant to be overrated and unnecessary.
Christian Lee Cones
Mr. Cones is the Sleeper Agent. He’ll binge-watch 10 episodes of “Nailed It!” with you, and keep you in stitches the entire time. You feel completely comfortable wearing your ratty sweats around him, and then one day you wake up and realize you’ve fallen head over heels for the goofball.
Mr. Holland is a Cognac Cocktail. He’s smooth, and generates a surprising amount of heat in a short period of time.
There are only two words necessary to describe Mr. Hunter: Marriage Material.
Mr. Judge is Mr. Friday Night Lights. He loves living in a small town, and rather than move to the big city he’s content to stay just where he is. He looks amazing in flannel shirts, and everyone adores him. The only drawback is whether or not his lady will be equally enamored with life in a tiny burg.
Captain Kim is the Parent Trap. Your parents will fall in love with him completely, and continue to display his picture on the mantel long after you’ve broken up. He’s a great boyfriend, as long as you don’t mind him borrowing all of your hair products.
Mr. Mumbray is The Fling. He’s utterly charming, and you’ll always have that one perfect weekend in Paris, but he’s definitely not ready to settle down.
Dr. Tamer “Tim” Hatem
Dr. Hatem is the muscle-shirted Frat Boy. He’s frequently seen driving around in a bright red Lamborghini, speakers blasting Maroon 5, with a different girlfriend every 3 days.
Mr. Nazaire is The Cipher. You can never figure out where he’s from, but you won’t care because he’s so gorgeous. He’ll shower you with gifts and ply you with champagne, and then ghost you with no warning. Several months later he’ll send you an eloquent, three-page Dear Jane letter, but you won’t be able to read it because it’s written in French.
P.S. There’s a strong possibility he’s actually a spy, working on cracking an elite ring of truffle smugglers, and he used you for cover.
P.P.S. A decade after he disappears, you start receiving annual deliveries of bonbons on your birthday, signed simply “Je t’aime toujours.” You tell your husband they’re from an old college friend, then you hide them in your lingerie drawer and eat them in secret, while reading trashy romance novels.
P.P.P.S. Bonus points if you think he’ll resemble Christopher Walken as The Continental in thirty years.
Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow
That’s all for now, gentle readers. Meet me here later this week, for Episode 6.
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