The Courtship Episode 6
Hello, gentle readers!
Dr. and Mr. Rémy are still away, and tonight’s episode promises debauchery, an illicit rendezvous, and an angry confrontation between two suitors. Oh, my!
Fortify yourselves with chocolate, champagne, and some smelling salts, and let’s dive in!
We have eight suitors left, and they’re all discussing the prior night’s Farewell Dance kiss between Nicole and Mr. Judge.
No one’s thrilled about it, and Mr. Hunter and Captain Kim definitely feel that a rule has been broken.
Speaking of breaking the rules…
Breakfast in Bed
Nicole and Tessa are lounging in Nicole’s bed, discussing Mr. Judge.
“I am on cloud nine,” Nicole says. “He’s kind of moving up in the rank a little bit from Danny B.”
They’re interrupted by Mr. Chapman, who enters with the makings of tea on a silver tray. “What’s up?” He’s wearing a footman’s tailcoat, and he’s brought them “breakfast in bed.” (I disagree - that’s just tea. Where are the crumpets?)
He gets a hug from Nicole, and she says, “Hi, handsome. I am so happy to see you!”
Cut to an interview. He tells the camera, “Sneaking around, it’s the fun stuff…it makes it that much sexier, and hot.”
He continues, “I would break into a castle, I would break into an airport. I would do a lot of crazy things to have some alone time with her.”
This raises a few questions:
Are you really “sneaking in,” if you have cameras following you?
Where did he get the outfit? Is there a barely dressed footman stuffed into a closet?
Can you break into an airport these days? Also, why would you need to? If TSA sees this, he’s definitely ending up on the No Fly List.
Tessa exits so they can have some privacy. Mr. Chapman removes his tailcoat and climbs into bed with Nicole.
She’s delighted. “This is epic.” She says it’s the kind of story you tell your children one day, and they kiss.
Later on, she tells the camera: “I feel such a chemistry with Lincoln…from your toes to your head, that sparkle feeling.”
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The Daily Tea
We get a voiceover from Mr. Edwards: “Having been found half-naked, tied up in a cupboard downstairs, Robert the butler has dug out his spare uniform and delivers The Daily Tea to the suitors.”
Well, that answers one of my questions.
You will take to the stage to deliver a poetry reading, an example of which can be found elsewhere in this paper.
Mr. Cones, whose introductory letter to Nicole heralded the delights of Tums and rubbing bellies, is up for the challenge. “I love writing!”
Mr. Mumbray says he’s terrible at poetry. (Note to the production team: When he delivers this line, he’s still wearing an arm guard from the archery activity. Whoever’s in charge of continuity should be sent to bed without scones.)
Suitors, with Mr. and Mrs. Rémy away, brace yourselves as Bacchus, the god of wine and festivities, is preparing a visit to the castle in the form of a bacchanalia [sic].
Mr. Cones has no idea what a bacchanal is, while Mr. Hunter guesses that it’s like a bachelor party.
In the background, I think I hear faint chants of “toga, toga, toga,” along with the hazy ghost of John Belushi, but it’s probably just my imagination.
Mr. Edwards explains: “Bacchanals were basically an excuse to shed those uncomfortable cravats, flash some flesh, drink wine, and make merry.”
The suitors don white togas with gold accessories, and practice their Greek god poses. It’s England, so they mostly look chilly.
The Bacchanal Begins
We get a montage of revelry: Someone’s pouring wine into Mr. Cones’ mouth, there’s dancing, more wine, someone gives Mr. Cones breasts made of pineapple halves, there’s more wine, more dancing, they’re feeding each other grapes, and shockingly, more wine.
The Poetry Reading
Now that the suitors have plenty of liquid courage, it’s time for poetry.
Here are a few excerpts, starting with Mr. Chapman:
Me in your room probably beats me in my van.
Rock, paper, scissors. New place again.
Seattle to Florida, or wherever we land.
I’ve practiced driving with my left, so you can hold my right hand.
Maybe you’re the thing that can slow down this man.
Mr. Bochicchio tries to prove he can commit (Should I call you Nicky B?), while Mr. Holland gets flowery (Let’s water each other like flowers. I believe we flow like flowers. With you, I want to grow like flowers.)
Mr. Cones turns into a meteorologist: Just like the tides at high noon, these feelings roaring, an intense typhoon.
I’m a little disappointed, Mr. Cones. I’ve imagined how your love letters to Nicole would sound, and I was expecting something more like this:
I am forever your ride or die
I’d give up roast beef to be by your side
Our buffet of love has just begun
I’ll rub your belly, you bring the Tums
After the poetry, the party continues, with more wine and shouts of “Bacchanal!”
Mr. Cones: “I’m gonna name my first son Bacchanal.”
Nicole’s favorite food is soup.
I hope that in a future episode, Mr. Cones dresses up as a giant can of chicken noodle soup. I also hope he gets downvoted on that baby name, especially now that Mr. Chapman has it tattooed on his leg.
Captain Kim’s Epic Fail
Capt. Kim chats with Nicole, and tells her, “I want to be the man in your life… You helped me trust in women again.”
He gives her a bracelet. “If I ever don’t live by my values, give it back to me on that farewell dance, and I’ll fully accept it.”
She asks for a kiss, and he gives her a smooch hot enough to melt her Roman sandals.
Just kidding. He leans in and kisses her forehead.
Um…what just happened?
Forehead kisses are for elderly relatives at Thanksgiving, or putting sleepy children to bed. This is definitely a tactical error, Captain Kim.
He says the first kiss means everything, and he wants to wait for the right moment to kiss her on the lips.
What moment could possibly be better than this?
Captain Kim’s Dream Scenario
I can’t imagine what he’s waiting for, but here are a few possibilities:
He gets an engraved invitation, delivered by fairies riding unicorns.
The zombie apocalypse arrives, and he only has 2 hours to live.
The ghost of Jane Austen appears and screams, “Kiss her, you fool!”
Captain Kim is definitely going home.
A Breach of Etiquette
Nicole feels the “most passionate connection” with Mr. Chapman, so she pulls him aside and says, “I want to share more of this evening with you, if you’d like.”
Mr. Chapman definitely likes.
They head to the castle for what Mr. Edwards says is “presumably, a wholesome game of charades.”
They recline on the bed. He talks about watching her dance with Mr. Judge, and how she was glowing. “I selfishly want to be the guy who’s making you glow like that.”
Then his pillow talk gets weird. “In that moment, I was like, yeah, it’s like, I care about her as a human. And that was like, assuring to me like that.”
What? Does he not typically see women as human beings? It’s like Dexter discovering he can be a murderous psychopath and still have a love life. Creepy.
(Wait, is Mr. Chapman a serial killer? If so, his decision to live in a van makes a lot more sense.)
Sorry, back to Nicole. She tells the camera, “[This is] not okay to do back in Regency era, but that’s me being me. If it’s something that feels right, then I’ll do it.”
We cut back to the castle, just in time to see the lights go out.
The Next Day: Nicole’s POV
Nicole tells Tessa: “I’m really into him.”
Then she tells the camera: “Last night, God, that moment alone, he rocked my world. I didn’t expect that.”
She hopes the other suitors don’t find out.
The Next Day: The Suitors’ POV
The suitors want to know where Lincoln was last night.
He says, “I got some alone time with Nicole.”
Clearly, Mr. Chapman has never heard the adage, “A gentleman never kisses and tells,” or its modern-day equivalent: “Snitches get stitches.”
Sketchy, but in a Good Way
Nicole gets to select her own date, and she’s going to sketch Mr. Judge.
The suitors are wondering if the date will involve getting naked, like when Jack sketched Rose in Titanic.
Mr. Chapman: “There’s a lot of, like, naked paintings in the Great Hall. That’s kind of what gets me through the elimination dances sometimes. Just look up at the boobs.”
Spoken like a true boob.
Meanwhile, Nicole is laughing at her sketch. “It’s like Picasso.” Mr. Judge reassures her, “You got the nose right.”
He tells her it’s awesome and he loves it.
He’s good at little white lies, so I think he’ll make excellent husband material.
Picnic Baskets & Wrestling Matches
Mr. Judge finally gets the chance to tell Nicole about his early years.
He didn’t have a picture-perfect upbringing. He was raised by a single mom, and he has four siblings, all with different fathers. His mother struggled with drug addiction, and he left home around the age of 14. “I felt like I was cursed, because relationships kept leaving my life.”
“But I think I’ve worked on myself and healing from all that.”
She hugs him, and he lightens the mood by suggesting a wrestling match.
He’s about to show her a move, when she pounces on him. “I think I won!”
They kiss, and she says, “I’ll pin you down anytime.”
She tells the camera: “Yeah, Jesse, he’s kind of the total package right now. He’s a great guy.”
Captain Kim is still obsessing about Nicole and Mr. Chapman, and the other suitors try to help him work through it.
Mr. Cones: “She has to go through her own process to figure out who’s the one for her.”
Mr. Kim: “I know it’s her journey, but it’s also mine. If I like a girl and she makes love with another man, that would like, hurt me, a lot.”
Mr. Mumbray: “So then if it did happen, you would feel like you don’t know her?”
“Yeah, and then I would have to make a decision. Which means [I’m staying] or going, I don’t know.”
Captain Kim’s Playlist
Here are some songs to keep Captain Kim company while he decides:
Bon Jovi: You Give Love a Bad Name
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: I Need to Know
The Clash: Should I Stay or Should I Go
Billy Idol: Dancing with Myself
The Farewell Ball
As our host prepares to read the names on Nicole’s dance card, everyone is shocked when Captain Kim speaks up. “Mr. Edwards. I’d like to be on the Farewell Dance, even if I’m on the card or not.”
After confirming that nobody else wants to “fall on their sword,” Mr. Edwards reads the names: Mr. Mumbray, Mr. Bochicchio, and…Captain Kim.
Nicole doesn’t know if he’s capable of falling in love, but she thinks he can get there, even though he feels “terrified.”
She says, “That’s what love feels like. It’s fricking terrifying, and you feel like you’re just crashing. I like you, Charlie, and I want to see you feel that for the first time, because it feels fricking awesome. So, obviously, I want you to stay.”
She tells him, “I wanna know that you’re gonna fight for me.” He says, “I promise. Meet me halfway.”
Dom is giving him serious side-eye. “I feel like he just bulldogged his way through that,” but he gets to stay.
He only manages a few dance steps and then stops. He whispers, “Ms. Rémy, I heard about last night, and I can’t do this anymore.”
He continues, “That’s one thing I just thought would destroy me. I have feelings for you. I want what’s best for you, I want the best for you. I feel like I could have done a lot for you but I just can’t. It’s time to go.”
She says, “I’m sorry.”
He says, “No, don’t be sorry. You did nothing wrong. I always told you to enjoy the journey and enjoy finding love, but the world I wanted to show you—please find someone to do the same.”
She gives his bracelet back, and they hug goodbye.
Boobs Can’t Help You Now
Shock waves blast through the Great Hall, as everyone tries to figure out what’s going on.
Nicole wants to run, but she also wants to know how Captain Kim found out. “I feel like I need to think about all my relationships right now. I’m just confused.”
From a range of emotions, she settles on anger. “But it’s my business, and it’s Lincoln’s business, and I’m kinda pissed right now.”
Meanwhile, Mr. Chapman’s in the balcony muttering about how he was just trying to get to know her, and this is ridiculous.
Nicole’s family knows something isn’t right, but they have no idea what’s happening.
The other suitors are also confused, but they have an idea it’s all about Mr. Chapman.
Mr. Chapman tells the camera, “He broke a girl down tonight, in the middle of a public place, in front of people watching. To make her feel like shit for doing something that she doesn’t have to feel [like] shit for doing. It’s the lowest thing you can do to a girl.”
After making sure she’s okay to continue, Mr. Edwards wishes the remaining seven suitors luck on their romantic journey. “And breathe.”
Mr. Chapman wants to know what Captain Kim said, so he goes to find him.
The two men argue, with Captain Kim insisting he never mentioned Chapman’s name, and Chapman accusing Kim of making Nicole cry.
Captain Kim says, “And guess who put her in that position to cry? That was you. Remember that.”
Mr. Chapman says, “That’s bullshit,” and Captain Kim departs.
In the old days, this would have required a duel. Since we’re no longer allowed to shoot people, how should they settle this? Nerf guns? A game of paintball? Maybe a session with Judge Judy? Take the Twitter Poll!
Episode 7 features a masquerade ball, a new suitor, and some lemon drizzle cake, courtesy of Mr. Mumbray. Save me a slice, Charlie!
See you all next week!
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