Hello friends!
I have my favorite rubber ducky, a crate of bonbons, three boxes of tissues and my emotional-support teddy bear—I think I’m ready for episode nine.
The Court vs. Mr. Chapman
Tessa and the Rémy family discuss the suitors. Nicole’s concerned about Mr. Hunter’s failure to communicate, while everyone else is worried about Mr. Chapman.
Dom wants reassurance that Lincoln’s not just in it for “the thrill of the chase,” while Mama Rémy wonders if Nicole can fit into his nomadic lifestyle. Nicole says, “We’d figure it out, we’d have fun; that’s how I know I’m starting to fall in love with this guy.”
Over at the suitors’ cottage, the men are discussing proposals and Mr. Chapman admits he’s fearful. “Yeah, I’m very afraid right now. Scared shitless.”
There’s no time to ponder the sorry state of Mr. Chapman’s bowels, as The Daily Tea has arrived, heralding a new activity.
The Festival of Strength
Mr. Edwards says, “I’ve arranged a Regency Festival of Strength. Firstly to see which of our gentlemen is strong enough to withstand the trials and tribulations of marriage, and secondly as a cynical ploy to get some 19th-century flesh on display.”
The whole thing reminds me of Festivus from Seinfeld, and its Feats of Strength. (I hope they’ll have an Airing of Grievances, because I’d like to rant about Mr. Chapman.)
It should be noted that bodybuilding doesn’t actually arrive in England until several decades after the Regency era, but who cares about historical accuracy when there are shirtless suitors to ogle? Certainly not me!
The first event involves cement Atlas balls, weighing 150 pounds each. The goal is to lift the ball onto a barrel faster than your opponent, and avoid giving yourself a hernia in the process.
Mr. Cones is feeling a little intimidated by the other suitors. “Can we just take a second to talk about how annoying Dan Hunter’s abs are? Each one of his abs has its own set of six packs.”
Mama Rémy is definitely impressed. “Mr. Hunter looks like Atlas. Carved in stone.” (Should Papa Rémy be worried? I think she’s got a crush on her favorite suitor.)
Nicole says they all look gorgeous and she’s quite distracted. “You guys look like the wolf pack from Twilight.”
The men compete in pairs. Despite his reservations, Mr. Cones beats Mr. Hunter, and he’s declared a winner, along with Mr. Judge and Mr. Chapman.
It should also be noted that Mr. Judge picked up the Atlas ball as if it were made of styrofoam. Mr. Cones says, “Jesse looked like just an absolute claw machine.”
The Log of Terrific Endurance
The next challenge is to hoist a log over your head and hold it there as long as possible.
Chapman and Nazaire go first, and they face each other. Mr. Edwards teases them, “You don’t have to kiss, but it helps.”
Mr. Nazaire wins handily, and then Mr. Judge and Mr. Cones are up.
Nicole thinks Mr. Judge will win. “Jesse, he’s a big guy…Jesse looks like a tree.”
Mr. Judge starts off strong, but then he falters. Surprising everyone, especially himself, Mr. Cones wins. “Who the f*** knew I was so strong? I’m gonna start eating protein bars!”
Next, it’s Mr. Bochicchio versus Mr. Hunter, and Mr. Hunter triumphs.
Finally Mr. Hunter and Mr. Nazaire face off, to determine who’ll win the grand prize.
Nazaire wins, so he gets a private conversation with Nicole.
(Spilling) Tea for Two
Nicole and Miles do some flirting, and some kissing, and then Nicole asks how he’s getting along with the other suitors.
He says, “I was talking to Lincoln and he’s been very vocal about how he isn’t ready for commitment.”
Ruh roh, Shaggy!
I have a sneaking suspicion the producers conspired for Nazaire to win, just so he could rat out Chapman. I think Jesse “the human claw machine” is probably off in a corner somewhere, muttering about how he coulda been a contender if they hadn’t forced him to take a dive.
The Follicle Follies
Mr. Hunter seeks out Nicole to ask why he was on the dance card at the last Farewell Ball.
Perhaps because she keeps asking about your past relationships, and you clam up like a mobster on trial? Nicole tells him, “It comes across as if you have a wall.”
He seems like the perfect guy, with perfect hair, but she wants him to relax and open up. She tries to mess up his hair, but realizes, “Oh, it’s not going anywhere. It really is like that all the time.”
He says he has a really tough time being vulnerable. She asks a few more questions, but he shares nothing of value.
What is he hiding?
I asked that in a Twitter poll, and here’s the result:
I thought more people would say he’s the Dread Pirate Roberts from The Princess Bride, given that he grew up on a sailboat, but apparently he gives off killer vibes.
The Spa Date
Nicole sends a note to the suitors’ quarters, thanking the gentleman for an amazing day and inviting Danny Bochicchio to a Regency spa date that evening.
They take a lantern and walk under a full moon to the Temple of the Four Winds, which is set up with two tubs, robes, and lots of candles.
It’s a romantic setting, but first Nicole wants to know where Mr. Bochicchio stands.
He tells her it’s been an amazing, roller-coaster experience, and it’s tough to watch her go on dates with other guys. He knows she wants a proposal at the end, but he doesn’t want to rush into anything. “Proposal is crazy.”
She calls him on that, because at the masquerade ball he said he would propose. “Are you just going back on what you said?”
Awkward!
He says, “What’s the rush? I wanna, like, spend real time with you, like [a] lifetime. Am I shooting myself in the foot?”
“I appreciate the honesty. I mean, it’s not what I want to hear.”
She tells the camera she likes him being upfront with her, but “he could work on being a little bit more careful with my heart.”
Now that emotions have been bared, it’s time to bare some skin and take a dip.
He suggests saving water by getting into the same tub. She says, “You’re so smooth.” They kiss and he removes her dress, so she’s wearing just her chemise. It’s an intimate moment, and the first hint of any real heat between them.
Of course he has to spoil it with a wisecrack: “This is gonna be Rémy-Bochicchio soup right now.”
Per Regency tradition, they climb in while partially dressed. She’s wearing her chemise, he’s wearing his trousers. It looks strange and uncomfortable, but modesty was more important than comfort in Austen’s day.
Nicole says she feels a little tongue-tied around him. “I really like you, Danny.”
He says, “I really like you, too. Really like you. I do see life after this with you.”
The Confrontation
The morning after her spa date, Nicole visits the suitors’ cottage for the first time. Time is running out, and she wants to hear directly from Mr. Chapman.
She meets with him privately, and repeats Mr. Nazaire’s comments.
He says, “I’m scared shitless, you know. I’m terrified. I’m scared of commitment.”
Nicole: “My heart is like, literally, in my stomach right now. Do you even still want to be here?”
Lincoln: “I told you I’m falling in love with you. That’s 100% true. I want monogamy, and I want to be in love, but I don’t wanna slow down.”
She says, “I feel so stupid,” and begins to cry.
Lincoln: “I think you and I could be the most in love, but I don’t think I can give you the life you want.”
(Side note: Lately I’ve really been noticing his facial tics. Whenever the subject of commitment comes up, it looks like he’s chomping on a big wad of chewing tobacco, or maybe trying to stop a mini Lincoln from bursting out, à la Alien. I’m seriously worried his head might explode.)
Nicole doesn’t understand how he can say he’s falling in love, but then want to give up. “That’s not love.”
She ends up crying in the hallway, mascara running down her face, before seeking the comfort of Danie and Tessa. “My heart is just so shattered right now.”
Tessa tells her, “You are extremely brave and courageous for putting yourself out there. We will be here to be your strength when you don’t have it.”
The other suitors return to the cottage, and Lincoln tells them he has to go process this alone. He leaves, presumably to wander the grounds. For some reason I picture him huddled in a hollow tree, reading back issues of Van Life and asking the birds and squirrels for advice.
Farewell Ball
Lincoln has returned to the castle. Perhaps he received an inspirational speech from the woodland creatures, or he realized he’s not capable of swimming the English Channel to make his escape.
He’s on Nicole’s dance card, for obvious reasons, along with Mr. Cones, and Mr. Hunter. Her relationship with Mr. Cones hasn’t progressed, and Mr. Hunter still won’t open up.
Mr. Edwards offers his assistance if she needs anyone carried out or beaten up, and then the dance begins.
Mr. Cones opts for flattery. “Take a moment for yourself and let’s just celebrate you. You are so strong, so gorgeous, so intelligent. Don’t forget, if you ever need somebody to lean on I’m just a few doors down, the cottage next door.”
He manages to make her laugh, and he’s allowed to stay.
Mr. Hunter claims he wants commitment, but she says, “I feel like this wall can’t be broken.” His carriage awaits.
That leaves Mr. Chapman.
She tells the camera, “He broke my heart, but that passion is there. I feel like I have no control, which is scary but also exciting.”
This is like watching a horror movie, where the plucky ingénue descends into a dark basement armed with only a flashlight. I want to scream at Nicole to run, or at least pause and read He’s Just Not That Into You, but it’s no use.
She tells him, “You broke my heart today. Absolutely broke my heart.”
He apologizes, and says, “I promise you I’m all in.”
She asks him to stay.
She tells the camera, “The way he was holding my hands and looking into my eyes—you can’t fake that. I’m so happy.”
Mr. Edwards announces there are just 5 suitors remaining. “Now I suggest we all get a stiff drink.”
Behind the Scenes
Nicole and the delightful Mr. Mumbray did an Instagram Live on May 5. At the 8-minute mark, she shares that Danny B.’s crack about “Rémy-Bochicchio soup” was actually on target. His pants were green, and by the end of the night the water and her chemise were dyed the color of pea soup.
From Reddit we learn there was a third challenge in the Festival of Strength, and Lincoln Chapman posted on Twitter a letter from Danie inviting him for a chat.
We’ll never know what Lincoln and Danie discussed, but I hope she asked him, “Does your home require frequent oil changes?” and “At what point does living in a van alone become less of a ‘lifestyle,’ and more of a personality disorder?” Just curious.
Previews
Episode 10 promises a “Regency pleasure garden.” Ooh la la! Be sure to join me for that, as I hate to swoon alone.
P.S. Need to catch up? here’s the list: | Episode 1 | Episode 2 | Episode 3 | Secret Love Letters | Episode 4 | Episode 5 | Suitor Analysis | Episode 6 | Episode 7 | Episode 8 | Episode 9 |